Put your war face on.

I thought the hardest thing to do was watch my daughter from outside a plastic box, not being able to hold her, not being able to comfort her when I seen her little face scrunched up crying. I was wrong. The hardest thing I've ever done is send my child off for someone to cut her open. It didn't help that the surgeon took forty forevers to come explain the surgery to me and get my consent. He literally walked in her room two hours after she was taken back for preop and thirty minutes before her surgery.

Okay, I lied. The hardest thing I've done in my life thus far, is to walk into the procedure room and see Scarlett paralyzed. They tried to tell me to think of it as resting peacefully. No, my child was and still is at this moment paralyzed.I'm talking full body paralyzation. No twitches when I tickle her feet. She's been twitching some since she's been out of surgery for several hours. I still have this irrational fear that she's going to be paralyzed for life. God  help me.

I am exhausted. I have stayed up for 48 hours before and not been as tired as I am now. I have to wake up every 4 1/2 hours at night to pump. I'm constantly running during the day. I am so tired. I need one full day of uninterrupted  sleep. Ha! Maybe when she's like 5 and can spend a whole weekend with her GiGi or her Nana.

I am so thankful for the continued support and prayers we've been getting from you all. It means more than y'all know! Now if we can just get y'all to order some t-shirts.

https://www.booster.com/babyscarlett

Before Surgery

Hold my hand a little while, My heart forever

I got my brave face on mommy!

I am obsessed with her adorable little feet. 

Food goes in, Poop comes out

I am utterly amazed at the amount of views on each of my blog posts! I'm so thankful for the continued support from my friends, family, community, and total strangers.

Scarlett  pooped twice last night!! I'm so excited. It's a big step in the right direction. I hate I missed those dirty diapers. Oh well, there will be more to come.

She has to have surgery Monday morning. The PDA didn't close and its been two rounds of meds with no effect. It's scary to know my tiny baby will be having surgery, but I know she's strong and it will do so much good for her when it comes to her lungs and heart.

She's also being fed today and will continue to be fed after she comes off the anesthetic Monday afternoon. It's exciting, because now she should start gaining weight and growing.

I'm nervous. I'm staying at home in Jacksonville tonight, and then I return to Wilmington tomorrow by myself. Ben has to return to work on Monday and handle all the paperwork to get Scarlett on his insurance and enrolled in the programs on base. I knew it was coming, but it's going to be rough not having him by my side. He's my rock. He keeps me laughing and keeps me sane while driving me crazy. I'm sure I'll blow his phone up during the week while he's at home and I'm there. We printed out pictures of Scarlett for him to keep on his desk at work, and to keep here at home. He's really going to be such an excellent daddy y'all. He worries so much, but he never lets it show. Scarlett is definitely going to be daddy's girl.

Please continue to pray everything works out with our housing situation so we can move into the new place this month. We still have a lot on our plates to worry about, but I know God has got us and is going to take care of us.

Also, make sure you get your baby Scarlett t-shirt. Anyone can email me to get the paypal information to pay for one.

She Didn't have time.

I forgot to update on Scarlett yesterday, so I'll get both in today.

They got her PICC line in yesterday! Hallelujah!! But we took a step back as far as breathing. The CPAP was bruising her face, so they had to remove it and put her back on the ventilator. She had to have another blood transfusion yesterday also. She finished her second round of Ibuprofen to close the PDA yesterday, and they came in today to do the Echo, and we should have the results this afternoon. I pray it is closing.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and bought 3 books to read to her while we Kangaroo. I bought "I'll love you forever," "Mama Will I be yours forever?" and "Crysanthmum". I'm excited to read them to her. I cried when I read I'll love you forever.

We got in contact with a wonderful lady named Mrs. Donna Anders a couple of days ago. She works for a organization called Operation First Response. We spoke to her on Wednesday, and yesterday she called the Hospitality House, and paid almost a month of our stay. That is a huge blessing or us and she will never understand what kind of impact that had on us, it gave us a courage boost to have that much less to worry about.

I'm also kinda getting annoyed at getting told daily I don't look like I just had a baby. Of course I don't! She was only 1 lb 12 oz and she came at 25 weeks! I had just hit my prepregnancy weight the week before I had her! I'm also kind of worried about how much weight I'm losing now. I weighed at 139 right before my discharge the day after I had her, and I weighed at 122 yesterday. I know I didn't lose that much water weight! I also started Fenugreek supplements yesterday to help with my breast milk production. I hope it works!

Also, we keep getting told how proud everyone is of how strong we are. Our caseworker for EFMP told me yesterday he was surprised at how together we had it, that most people would be falling apart right now. I told him falling apart isn't an option, and you don't really know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong. And anytime anyone inquires about me having any signs of post partum depression, I simply reply "Postpartum depression, Who Has time for that?"

Well that's all I can think of to tell as of right now, but like they say, "No news is good News"

Okay, so Ben isn't walking out on us, but "She didn't have time" says the feelings of how it is. I could cry, but I don't have time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI

03/27/14

Why Must an Angel Suffer?

We got some news today that was very hard to hear. Even though Scarlett is still doing well for her situation, there's some problems.


First they tried three times yesterday to get the PICC line in, without success. They really need to get this line in, because the umbilical catheter is not good for extended  periods, and it needs to come out. As I'm writing this from our room, the doctors and nurses are in her room trying to get it in either a vein on her leg, or through her scalp. Her little arms are so bruised from their attempts yesterday they don't want to try that again. If they can't get it in this time, then she will have to have surgery to put one in. Which will put her back on the vent, which delays progress. God I hope this works.

Second. The first round of meds had no effect on her PDA. It's still very large and open. Not good. They started her second round of meds last night. The doctor said if it doesn't start closing, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't, but there's still a possibility of surgery to close it. But they will wait a while and see on that one.

Third, she has a small bleed on both sides of her brain.They aren't super concerned with it, as they're small. Stage 1-2, a bad would be stage 3-4. As a preemie she already was at risk for developmental delays and impairments, at a 10% chance. Bleeding on the brain increases that by another 10%. So she's now at a 20% chance for delays and impairments.  There's nothing they can do about it. Miss Sonya assured me that its not as bad in babies, and is actually quite common. She said they have ways of figuring out how to fix their brain bleeds as they grow, that adults don't have. Still, no mother wants to hear her child's brain has bleeds.

I am at a breakdown point. I couldn't even listen to the rest of what the doctor was telling us. I went to the chapel and begged God to take care of her. I need her healthy happy and whole. I don't want to see her struggle. I want more good days than bad for her. I want to take her home and sit with her for hours. I want my baby to be normal and healthy. I can't help but feel guilty, like I done this to her. If it wasn't for my incompetent body, she would still be in my womb, growing happy and healthy. She doesn't deserve this. She's so beautiful, why must an angel suffer?

We do not walk alone...

My Mighty Mouse is a week old today! Wow time flies...its so hard to believe its been a week. So much has happened. Scarlett is doing well today. About five this morning, they had to add a non invasive ventilator to help her breath because she got tired. Its hard work breathing on your own when Mommy is still supposed to be doing it for you!

They tried adding what is called a picc line today.  A picc line is an intravenous line that is inserted into a vein, often in the arm, that allows the use of a larger vein. This is a method of delivering nutrients and medicines that might otherwise irritate smaller veins.
They tried twice and couldn't get it in, so they are going to try again tomorrow. We are waiting for the results of her echocardiogram,, to see if they PDA vessel is closing. I have faith that it will close without surgery. 

Mommy is able to pump a good bit of milk for her now, and I should have enough supply to last her several weeks, because when she does start eating, it will only be a couple mL at a time, and I'm pumping about an ounce each pump, 6-8 times a day. 

I'm excited to take her her blankies tomorrow. She can only use them during kangaroo care, but at least it will be something for her that is her own. 

Mommy and Daddy are more worried about themselves through out this ordeal than they are her. We know she is in good hands, and God has assured us that he is going to take care of her. We have no clue how we're going to make it through emotionally, physically, or financially. It's only been a week and I'm exhausted. 

We're doing everything we can to find resources to help us. I'm sure everyone knows we have the gofundme account set up, and we're contacting civilian and military resources daily to try and get help. We have an amazing support system. Our friend Kylee is going out of her way to help us and she will never know how much we appreciate all she is doing for us. I can't wait to get a picture of her and Scarlett together, I really feel like she's family now. If anyone can help her with the car wash or would like to buy a t-shirt it would help us tremendously. 

On another note, I ask everyone to pray that Ben's command can give him orders, so we can break our lease to move into a place  a friend offered us. The new place is a lot bigger and nicer, and would cost us way less to live in. We hope to hear back from his command sometime soon. A big thanks to Nachelle and Chris Illnicki for the offer. We could never explain our gratitude at such a generous offer. 

Tonight is going to be a sleepless one. Not only do I wake up to pump, but every time my phone buzzes for whatever reason, I wake up with my heart pounding. Its a fear like none other. It is nice to be home for a day though, and sleep in my own bed. Its a guilt trip though, I feel like she knows when I'm not there. But she has an amazing nurse named Sonya, who takes great care of her. Sonya actually asked to be on her care team, and is now her care manager. Which is great, because Sonya is the mother of a preemie herself, and she's an amazing nurse. It doesn't hurt that she's in love with Scarlett too. We also asked for one of our night nurses, Jennifer to be on our care team. I will feel so much more comfortable knowing the same people are taking care of her. 

I'm counting down the hours until I can get back to my princess. 

I didn't take any pictures today, so I'll leave you with this.

Milestones

Tomorrow morning at 10:23 Scarlett will be a week old. Wow time flies, and it drains this mommy. She's doing really well. She had to have a blood transfusion this morning, because they had to draw blood several times a day to make sure everything was okay. She opened her eyes yesterday (03/23) and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen all over again. 
This morning they were able to remover her ventilator and put on a CPAP breathing apparatus. CPAP, or continuous positive airway pressure, is a treatment that uses mild air pressure to keep the airways open. She's been doing really well on it today, but it's new so sometimes they have to turn her oxygen concentration back up. She finished her doses of Ibuprofen today to close her PDA, and we have an echocardiogram tomorrow to see if the PDA is closing or at least getting smaller. The PDA is the blood vessel that allows blood to bypass the lungs in the baby in the womb. They don't need the blood to their lungs, because the placenta does the breathing for them. In full term babies, it usually closes as soon as they take their first breath. In preemies, it usually needs medical treatment. If the echo doesn't show that its at least getting smaller they will try another round of 3 doses of ibuprofen. If it doesn't close after the 2nd round she may need surgery to close it, which will put her back on the vent. So pray we get good results tomorrow.

I got to hold her for the first time today. We cuddled for an hour and it was amazing. It felt so good to hold her and talk to her and sing to her. I told her she had so many people praying for her, she is a very special, loved little girl. She was so peaceful and quiet. I really think she's going to be a calm happy baby, because her fussing is minimal in here. 

I get a lot of messages telling me how strong I am. I am not strong. Scarlett is strong. I am weak, I breakdown, I feel guilty, I'm hard on myself. She is my strength. God is my strength. Ben is my strength. My family is my strength. Each and everyone of you that sends me kind words, or prays for her is my strength. But I alone? I am weak. 

Last week I asked God "Why me?" And I asked it in a negative tone. I didn't understand what I done to deserve this pain. This week I ask God "Why me?" in a reverent tone. I don't understand what I done to deserve such beauty and love. And God let me stumble upon this poem to tell me why I was chosen to be her mother. 

Hello World

Peekaboo!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Cuddling with Mommy

My mommy loves me so much

She's the best pillow!

And though she may be little, she is but fierce.

Before I go any further with this story, I want to encourage any woman during any pregnancy to listen to her own intuition. You know when something doesn't feel right. You know in your heart that something is going on. So if doctors don't want to listen, MAKE THEM! No one knows your body better than you do. They may have all the fancy medical degrees, but you're the one that knows how that body is supposed to feel.

Okay so here we go..

As I said, when we got to NHRMS, they took me straight to L&D. They transferred me over and the staff set to work. They gave me lots of meds to try and delay labor. When the doctor came in and did my exam, they found I was 5-6 cm dilated by this point. They decided to keep me on the meds and do everything possible to delay labor as long as possible. I had already had one steroid shot at Naval, so I learned our goal was to make it 24 hrs past the second shot, which is given 24 hours after the first. The first was given to me at 11 a.m on Sunday. Labor and delivery was horrible that first day, I'm not gonna lie. I didn't eat before I left home, and the meds they put  me on would make me sick, and could cause me to get food or water in my lungs, so I laid there starving and thirsty until well after midnight.

After midnight they decided that we were in a sort of safety zone. I was taken off the meds, allowed to drink and eat, and go to the bathroom on my own (I was catheterized.) They took me to a different ward of the hospital, called high-risk Antepartum. At this point I had pretty much been told that was my new room until I delivered, whether it be sooner or later. So we hung out.

So all day Monday (wow it was only one day? It felt like forever.) I had short contractions on and off. The staff didn't think there was anything to worry about, because they were so far apart, so it was just a waiting game. I took a shower Monday, and when I got out, Ma was sitting in my room and I told her "Scarlett is going to be here tomorrow." I don't know if she actually believed me at that point, but somehow I just knew. Maybe it was God whispering it to my heart so I could be prepared. By the way Ma is my grandma, my mom's mom. My Mom, Ma, and my brother Joel drove up on Sunday from Georgia to be with us in case it happened.

Tuesday morning around 3:30, the nurse came in to give me my meds and check my vitals. After she left I got up and went to the rest room and noticed there was more blood. I called the nurse back to the room and she had me start writing down the times of my contractions. After I had six in one hour, she called the labor and delivery staff, and had the doctor come in. They checked me and I was up to 6-7 cm dilated. It was time to go down to L&D.

When I got down to labor and delivery, they started the meds back up to delay birth. I had been on Motrin all day Monday, because they could only give me so much of the magnesium sulfate at a time. The second steroid shot would have been mature at 11:00 am, so even though they were saying they were going to hold it off longer, I knew we were just trying to make it to that point. They set up everything to get ready for labor, and the NICU staff came in to set up everything in the event the birth did happen.

The contractions didn't stop. So at this point the doctor come in and told me we had no choice, she was coming today, so in an hour to two hours we were going to push. It was starting to be really painful. I wanted to do it all natural, but as the anesthesiologist said, there aren't any awards and it wouldn't hurt the baby so why not? One of the doctors told me a regular epidural wouldn't do me or Scarlett any harm if I wanted to get one of those. Then when she left the nurse came in and said as a mother and a nurse she wouldn't advise it, and told me about a different kind of pain meds called an Intrathecal. It is a Needle inserted into central spinal fluid where medicine is injected and needle is removed. 

The intrathecal was supposed to last three hours. It didn't. I got maybe a good 30 mins of numbness. It did make it hurt less though. We did a round of pushes, then they decided I wasn't dilated enough. So they gave me meds to push it along faster. They came back in and we did another round of pushes and Miss Scarlett was born at 25 weeks 1 day, weighing in at 1lb 12 oz. She was 12 1/2 inches long and came out screaming! I don't know how I knew, but I knew she was going to be okay. They let me hold her for a brief moment, and I fell in love at first sight, she was most perfect beautiful thing I had ever seen. They whisked her away to NICU and Daddy and GiGi went with her. 

They wouldn't allow me to go down until I went to the bathroom on my own and ate something, to make sure I was okay after the intrathecal. I rushed through the motions. When I got down to the NICU, I can't even explain what I felt. It was so hard seeing my beautiful daughter laying in an incubator and not being able to hold her, only touch her a little bit. She was so tiny. My heart was hurting for her, I would have gladly taken her pain and struggle. But Scarlett proved from Day 1 she is a fighter and she's a tough little thing. 

First Time I held Scarlett

First Kiss from Mommy

4 Generations of strength

My Beautiful Daughter

Daddy Cutting the Cord

She opened her eyes the first time 3//23/14

Two weeks

About two weeks before Scarlett was born, I came home from work and decided to take a bath to ease my aching back. I was soaking and looked down and noticed something between my legs. I grabbed it and realized it was my mucous plug, the plug in a woman's cervix that holds everything in. I immediately called my OB-GYN at Camp Lejeune's Naval Hospital. They told me it wasn't my mucous plug, not to worry, and to wear a panty liner for a few hours and monitor it and call back if there was any blood or a gush of water. I didn't have anything other than a little more mucous, so because the Doctor's thought it was fine, so did I.

Then the Mucous started to increase. I called a couple more times, to hear the same thing. I asked the midwife about it at my appointment on March 3 and she checked the baby's heartbeat, said everything sounded fine, that sometimes pregnant women have a mucous like discharge.

I still felt like something was wrong, so on March 14, I went to an appointment with my regular doctor, explained what was going on and asked for a pelvic exam. She told me she wouldn't do one because if there was something going on then it could jeopardize me or my baby. She told me that if I felt that much like something was wrong, then go into OB triage. If I went in they were not allowed to refuse to see me. I decided to wait and see what happened. I went to work on Saturday as usual.

I set my alarm Sunday morning, March 16, to get up and go to work. When I went to the bathroom, I checked when I wiped out of habit, because I had been monitoring. When I looked at the toilet paper there was blood. I called Ma and asked her was there any reason I should have even the slightest bit of blood. She told me no and told me to call the triage department. I called and they told me to come in.

I dressed immediately and Ben and I headed to the hospital. When I got there the went in hooked me up to the fetal and contraction monitors. Scarlett's heartbeat sounded strong and I was in pain already, so I don't know if I was actually having contractions then or not. I'm sure I was because when they did the exam I was 3-4 cm dilated. Lots of people started rushing around. I got an IV in each arm, one with a Magnesium drip to slow labor down. I was hooked up to so much stuff I wasn't able to move. I got sick from the meds, so they had to give me more meds. They called New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington, Nc, and they sent an ambulance right down for me. It took the ambulance about 30 mins to get there. By this point I was alone, Ben had to go get stuff from the house. We didn't have bags made, so he had to go get the stuff I needed. The ambulance ride to NHRMS took about an hour, and when I got there they took me straight to Labor and Delivery. It was so scary. I could see the worry on Ben's face.

Last pic I took of my belly before Labor

Pregnancy

We found out in October 20, 2013 that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor the next day and found out we were exactly four weeks. We were so excited, but so scared!! I immediately started making plans. I don't know how I knew, but I knew I was having a little girl. I immediately started pinning all sorts of cute little outfits, lists, lessons to teach, anything to do with baby. I downloaded the what to expect app. I made plans to document every part of my pregnancy, with weekly photos, and letters to Scarlett. I slacked on the letters. I think I wrote 1 1/2 the whole pregnancy. Oops.

4 1/2 weeks pregnant

First Ultrasound

19 weeks

20 week ultrasound

20 week ultrasound

I got sick. I don't mean your usual pregnancy related morning sickness. I mean lost 15 pounds, went to the ER four times. I had migraines and was always tired. And it lasted until about 20 weeks.

Then it got better. And I ate everything in sight. The only food aversion I had that I liked before I was pregnant was Mexican. And I still don't relish the idea of eating mexican, which is okay, cause it isn't good for baby boo's tummy. I craved a lot of fruit and sweet things. Ben was always joking about my expensive chocolate cravings, I only wanted caramel Gihradelli or Caramel Lindor Truffles (which are a pain to find).
She made me so hungry! Which I was okay with, because I was so hungry for so long.

She was active. She was always rolling, kicking, punching, headbutting etc. I told everyone she was going to be a gymnast, or have ADHD one or the other. We did our anatomy ultrasound right at 20 weeks, it was so cool to see her little profile, and little feet. When the ultrasound tech said it's a girl, I smiled and said HA! We had been betting for weeks. Daddy just dropped his head into his hands and shook it, like he knew he was in for it. We had already had our name decided upon for a girl, and that was Scarlett Joelle Hancock.

We started collecting baby gear. We had a great friend (That's you Aubrey, if you read this), give us a lot of stuff for Scarlett. We were so excited collecting little outfits, we bought a few things here or there, but Ben tried his hardest to make me wait until my baby shower, so we could tally up what we had and what we still needed. Life was good and we were happy.

Then it started.

All Because Two People Fell In Love

I'm going to start this blog with a love story, because without telling the love story, I can't tell you how this beautiful life came about. 

There was a boy and there was a girl. Their whole lives they were like parallel lines, never crossing. Then one day in December, when they were both 21 years old, they met. Boy was dating girls friend. Girl had a boyfriend. Girl and boy did not like each other at all.

Flash forward to about two months later. Around March- April 2012. Boy sent girl a message on facebook. They chatted for a while, and then exchanged numbers. They talked to one another on the phone through text the whole day. Then that night they talked on the phone for hours. Both had to work the next day so they decided to say goodnight. Girl got ready for bed. As she climbed into bed, her phone rang. It was boy again. He told her he wouldn't be able to fall asleep that night, without knowing she was his. Would she be his? Girl said yes with the biggest smile. 

Girl and boy talked every day. Boy was a United States Marine. So he was very far away from girl. He scheduled a week worth of leave to come spend with girl. They spend the whole week talking and laughing and falling in love. Even though it had only been a month, and only a week of that spent together, before he left to go back to base, boy asked girl to marry him. Girl knew he was the one, so she said yes.

They set a date in July, but that wasn't fast enough for boy. He wanted girl with him. So they moved the wedding date up, and were married on May 26, 2012. Girl left her home, family and friends two days later and went to base with him. 

Girl and boy spend the next year and a half, falling farther in love. They did some fighting, a lot of laughing, and a lot of loving. They had a friend tell them she had never seen two people more perfect for each other. It took them some time to learn to live with each other. Girl got homesick a lot, but boy was always there to soothe her aching heart. Boy and girl made a beautiful life together. But God knew something was missing. He put it on their hearts to start trying for another member to their happy little family. And he sent them one. More on that later.

That boy is Ben, who may be referred to in this blog as daddy.

That girl is me, Ceraya, who may be referred to as Mommy.

I may write this blog in several different points of view. 

Maybe I can talk Ben into writing a little something.

This is our journey.