In the eye of the storm...for now..

This week is only half over and it's been the hardest one yet. I had a mental breakdown Monday night. Complete with calling Ben at 3 a.m. bawling my eyes out. I don't remember what was said, I do remember waking up with mascara stained cheeks, and crying again because I knew the night before was awful.  I remember thinking I was so undeserving of being Scarlett's mother. I'm over that, this child was made to save me, and that's what she'll do.

Her daddy came to our rescue like a knight in shining armor. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me he had a package that he was having delivered to me at the hospitality house. I got ready and headed over to the hospital only to see his car in the parking lot. And you can't miss ol' Betty. It was the sweetest thing to see him sitting in that NICU room. I just curled up in his lap and let him hold me and probably cried some more.

I'm almost back to normal now. I catch myself tearing up, but it comes with the territory. The thing that gets me the most is the anger. I'm so damn angry and I don't know why. Who am I mad at? I'm not mad at God, I know he gave me this beautiful baby and difficult journey for a reason. I'm not mad at myself, I know it isn't my fault. So who am I mad at? I guess life and the circumstances themselves, because it just isn't fair.

Scarlett got extubated again today. Which is exciting. She's doing really well on the CPAP and is being monitored closely to make sure it isn't hurting her little face again.

I'm scared to see what my child is going to be like. I'm gonna have my hands full, that's for certain. She's already so fiesty. She's pulling at the CPAP mask and kicking and screaming. That what she needs to do though, that drive and will is what ensures her survival.

I want to write her a letter about what happened Monday night, I want to tell her I'ms sorry. Because what I did that night, directly affected her the next day. I have to be better than that, for her. I can't afford to lose it like I did. She deserves so much better than what I had to give Monday night and Tuesday. And she will get it. By God I swear I will be the best damn momma to this little girl. She will grow up knowing how much I love her and will do anything for her. And I won't lose my sanity in the process.