Why Must an Angel Suffer?

We got some news today that was very hard to hear. Even though Scarlett is still doing well for her situation, there's some problems.


First they tried three times yesterday to get the PICC line in, without success. They really need to get this line in, because the umbilical catheter is not good for extended  periods, and it needs to come out. As I'm writing this from our room, the doctors and nurses are in her room trying to get it in either a vein on her leg, or through her scalp. Her little arms are so bruised from their attempts yesterday they don't want to try that again. If they can't get it in this time, then she will have to have surgery to put one in. Which will put her back on the vent, which delays progress. God I hope this works.

Second. The first round of meds had no effect on her PDA. It's still very large and open. Not good. They started her second round of meds last night. The doctor said if it doesn't start closing, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't, but there's still a possibility of surgery to close it. But they will wait a while and see on that one.

Third, she has a small bleed on both sides of her brain.They aren't super concerned with it, as they're small. Stage 1-2, a bad would be stage 3-4. As a preemie she already was at risk for developmental delays and impairments, at a 10% chance. Bleeding on the brain increases that by another 10%. So she's now at a 20% chance for delays and impairments.  There's nothing they can do about it. Miss Sonya assured me that its not as bad in babies, and is actually quite common. She said they have ways of figuring out how to fix their brain bleeds as they grow, that adults don't have. Still, no mother wants to hear her child's brain has bleeds.

I am at a breakdown point. I couldn't even listen to the rest of what the doctor was telling us. I went to the chapel and begged God to take care of her. I need her healthy happy and whole. I don't want to see her struggle. I want more good days than bad for her. I want to take her home and sit with her for hours. I want my baby to be normal and healthy. I can't help but feel guilty, like I done this to her. If it wasn't for my incompetent body, she would still be in my womb, growing happy and healthy. She doesn't deserve this. She's so beautiful, why must an angel suffer?