Catching up

So I've been MIA from the blog the past couple of weeks. My laptop charger broke and I tried to find one that didn't cost me an arm and a leg. I didn't succeed. Linda Jackson and my mother dearest have been on my case about writing a new blog post so here we go.

First things first. Scarlett has made it up to 2 pounds and 10 ounces. Way to go mighty mouse! She's been putting on an average of 2 ounces a day the past week.

She is still having a lot of respiratory problems.She is constantly swinging on her oxygen saturation, and has bradycardia every so often. Today they decided to try her on the hi flow oxygen again, because the cpap is breaking down her little septum, its almost non existent. The nurse just came in and said it seems like she's doing better on hi flow, so lets hope that continues.

Next week they start checking her eyes to make sure she isn't having any ROP. The increased oxygen can cause very serious problems for her eyesight in the future, which is another reason we're really hoping to get this breathing thing on the roll.

She's beautiful.  I mean absolutely stunning. I can't believe I had a part in creating something so magnificent. God has surely blessed me with a beautiful sweet little girl.

God has also blessed me with wonderful people who are helping us through this journey. So far we've been blessed with donations from numerous people who care about us. T shirts are being sold, a carwash is being held,we are so thankful for everything that has been done for us.

We've also been blessed by four non profit foundations that helped us in our time of need. Most notably, the Brother's In Arms foundation that paid $2500 worth of our bills this month. That enables us to use most of our money this month to go towards being with Scarlett and preparing for her homecoming. If anyone is interested in donating to this wonderful foundation, they can be found at http://www.brothersinarmsfoundation.org/ Other organizations that helped us was Operation First Response, the Marsoc Foundation, and Mom 365. We are so very blessed by their donations, and they will never understand how much they have touched our family.

I long for the day I'm able to walk out those doors,put her in my car and take her home. I plan to give her the absolute best of myself. She is the absolute best of me. She will never realize how deep my love for her is, but I swear everyday to try and show her. Being her mommy is the best thing I've ever done.
Sorry the pics are a little out of order

04/15/14 1st time on Hiflow

First Easter '14

2nd Time of Hi flow 04/26/14

First Easter, Baby doll dress

Finally found bows that fit!

Cuddles with her very own Prince Charming

Sleeping good on mommy 

Well Hello There :)

What's going on around here?

I Can blow bubbles!

4/26

4/26

Hands

Dear Scarlett,

I've already told everyone I have an obsession with your feet,but I found a new obsession...your tiny little hands.

It is the sweetest thing to bring your little fingers or little palms to my lips and shower them with sweet mommy kisses. What's even sweeter is how much you seem to enjoy it. You seem to make a game out of it. And I love it. Sometimes you will stretch those little fingers towards my lips, pushing your little fingers at my lips so I can lay on the lovin'. Then sometimes you decide to ball them up so I can't get to them. And if I'm not paying attention, like now, that little hand does the jazz hands and starts waving in the air. So freaking cute..

But all this love of those tiny sweet hands got me thinking of all the things those hands will do.

One day those hands will feed you, and I no longer will. I'll probably be happy the first time you hold your bottle, so I can fold laundry. But later that night when I put you down to sleep, and you're holding that very bottle, tears will probably come to my eyes, because my baby is growing up so fast.

One day those hands are going to reach in your diaper and smear poop everywhere. And I'll be so frustrated cleaning it up, muttering ugly words under my breath so you don't hear them and repeat them. And when I get you out of the shower, and I see your sweet smile, I'll smile too, but I'll know it's time for potty training.

One day those hands are going to pull on your very own puppy's tail, or ears, or fur. You're going to be best of friends, your first best friend besides mommy. And you're going to run out in the yard to play with your puppy, and I'll be sad, because you won't be playing with me anymore.

One day those hands will be holding a book, carrying your mind to some wonderful place you once only dreamed of. And I'll smile, because you've gained my love of knowledge and the power of a good book. I'll cry happy tears, because I was once told my micro preemie may have developmental disabilities, and here she is, smart as a whip.

One day those hands will wrap around your hairbrush, singing some song to your adoring audience of one in your bedroom mirror. And I'll smile, reminiscing on my childhood doing the same thing. Then I'll cry, because you kick me out your room, embarrassed I was 'spying' on you.

One day those hands will grab the hand of your date to your first dance, as you walk down the steps to his mom's car. And I'll smile, because you look so beautiful, but I'll cry, because you look so grown up.

One day those hands will crank up your first car and put it into drive. I'll smile, because you're getting your first taste of complete freedom, and I'll cry waiting up for you, praying you make it safe.

One day those hands will take your high school diploma from your principal. And I'll smile, because you worked so hard and finally reached your goal. But I'll cry, because that's the first step towards losing my baby.

One day those hands will use a key to open your first place of your own, whether it be a dorm room or an apartment with your friends. And I'll smile, because you're so independent, but when I get home, I"ll cry because I'm so scared for my baby to be in the great big world without me.

One day those hands will put to use what ever skill you choose for your life. I'll smile, because you're living your dream, and if I cry it will be tears of joy to see your happiness doing what you love.

One day those hands will wear a ring placed on your finger by the man (or whatever makes you happy) you love, and they'll wrap around your daddy's arm as he walks you down the isle to give you to that man (or whatever makes you happy). And I'll smile and cry at the same time, because I'm losing my baby to someone who makes her happier than I could ever dream of.

One day those hands will be handed a baby of your own. I'll smile, because you finally know the most pure beautiful love in the world. I'll cry because I'm a grandma. (take that however you want)

One day those hands will hold mine as I say goodbye for the last time. I'll smile because I'm going home to meet my heavenly father. I'll cry because I know how much you will miss me and need me.

There is one thing those hands do now that they will do forever more, that will never change. And that my dear is hold my heart in their palm. I smile because I love it, I cry because I love it.

I love you,
Mommy

Who will she be?

Scarlett has got an attitude today y'all. Oh lord help me, my little bitty 1 pound 13 oz peanut has got an attitude.I'm shaking in my boots...

Really I am. What does this much attitude now mean for me later? I'm terrified. My momma always said she hoped I had a child worse than me. I think it came true. Be careful what you wish for momma cause you're the babysitter.

No, Scarlett is exactly as fiesty as she needs to be. Shes wiggling and kicking and waving her hands around. She's pulling at her CPAP mask. My child is a fighter. She is touch and she is strong. And she will be a force to be reckoned with.

And damn is she beautiful.She has the kind of beauty that takes my heart away. The kind of beauty that makes my heart hurt for all the little boys that are going to fall in love with her.

She's an angel. She's perfect. She is everything beautiful and unique and different that I want for my life.

I can't wait to see what kind of person she grows up to be. I already know she will be sweet and kind on the surface, but the kind of girl you just don't want to mess around with. I know this because that's how I will raise her.

But I want to know what kind of sense of humor she will have. Will she be clumsy like me or athletic like Ben? Will she like to read like me, or watch tv like daddy? Will school come naturally or will she have to work at it? Will she go against everything I tell her, to prove her own independence?

I have so many questions about her and who she is and will be. But I don't want to know just yet...I want my baby to grow fast enough to get out of here quickly, but slow enough that I can enjoy her. When it's time she will answer and tell me exactly who she is. Right now I'm content with Miss Scarlett, Mommy's baby asleep on my chest.

In the eye of the storm...for now..

This week is only half over and it's been the hardest one yet. I had a mental breakdown Monday night. Complete with calling Ben at 3 a.m. bawling my eyes out. I don't remember what was said, I do remember waking up with mascara stained cheeks, and crying again because I knew the night before was awful.  I remember thinking I was so undeserving of being Scarlett's mother. I'm over that, this child was made to save me, and that's what she'll do.

Her daddy came to our rescue like a knight in shining armor. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me he had a package that he was having delivered to me at the hospitality house. I got ready and headed over to the hospital only to see his car in the parking lot. And you can't miss ol' Betty. It was the sweetest thing to see him sitting in that NICU room. I just curled up in his lap and let him hold me and probably cried some more.

I'm almost back to normal now. I catch myself tearing up, but it comes with the territory. The thing that gets me the most is the anger. I'm so damn angry and I don't know why. Who am I mad at? I'm not mad at God, I know he gave me this beautiful baby and difficult journey for a reason. I'm not mad at myself, I know it isn't my fault. So who am I mad at? I guess life and the circumstances themselves, because it just isn't fair.

Scarlett got extubated again today. Which is exciting. She's doing really well on the CPAP and is being monitored closely to make sure it isn't hurting her little face again.

I'm scared to see what my child is going to be like. I'm gonna have my hands full, that's for certain. She's already so fiesty. She's pulling at the CPAP mask and kicking and screaming. That what she needs to do though, that drive and will is what ensures her survival.

I want to write her a letter about what happened Monday night, I want to tell her I'ms sorry. Because what I did that night, directly affected her the next day. I have to be better than that, for her. I can't afford to lose it like I did. She deserves so much better than what I had to give Monday night and Tuesday. And she will get it. By God I swear I will be the best damn momma to this little girl. She will grow up knowing how much I love her and will do anything for her. And I won't lose my sanity in the process.

Letter To My Daughter.

Dear Scarlett,

I'm sitting in your NICU room with Ma and GiGi (or grandma, whatever we decided to go with). I could not be more proud of you. I'm so blessed to be your mommy. You're the most beautiful strong little girl I've ever seen in my life. We are both so very loved by our family.

I started a letter the week before you were born and I never finished it. So I'm going to write it here, and then finish it out so it's whole for you. Here goes nothing..

You probably won't read this for a long time, and when you do, you will realize you have a forgetful mommy. Or maybe it was just because I was so sick, that I didn't write more letters. I lost 15 pounds total, but I'm sure by the time you read this I've told you a billion times. I'm so excited for you to be here (now it's to be home)! I've already got so many plans for the things I want to teach you.

 I want to teach you to be the type of person who always gives more than she takes. The kind of woman who grows up beautiful, strong, and fearless. I want to give you the freedom to grow and become your own person, but to know that my arms and heart will always be open for you as a home and a safe haven.

There isn't anything in this world you can't do baby, if you put your mind to it. You've already fought so hard for this life, no one is more deserving of it. I want you to look on this world with fresh eyes everyday, and see the beauty in it. When you do see the ugly, I want you to figure out how to make it beautiful. God blessed us with this world.

Speaking of God, I want you to know that he is always right there with you. In every test in your life, every triumph, every heartbreak. God is right there. He gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. Always remember he loves you, and he's always the friend you need. Cry out to him, cast your cares upon him. I know he can take it, cause he's taking mine right now while you lay in your incubator.

Be who you want to be. If you want to drink wine, drink it. If you want whiskey, go for it. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for making the choices you think are right for you. You are unique to yourself, always be your own person. Don't copy others, be the kind of girl others want to copy.

But do it in moderation. I can personally attest that bad decisions come from too much. If you feel the need to have more than you should, do it around people you trust explicitly, that you know will take care of you. Don't do it in public where you will make a fool of yourself, or worry about a ride home, or go home with some random boy that won't remember your name in the morning.

Always have respect for yourself. Carry yourself with dignity and grace. If the boy is worth it, he will wait. He will take care of your heart. He will come home with you and shake your daddy's hand. And your daddy will hate him. Until you find him, hold yourself aloof, make them work to get into your heart, and NEVER LET THEM IN YOUR PANTS!

Always believe in true love and the power of it. When he makes your heart skip a beat, when you crave his touch or kiss, when you know that he would do anything in this world for you, even die for you, then that's how you know. But don't ever compare your love to the love of anyone else, not mine and your father's not what you see in the movies. It is uniquely yours, and when you know, you know in your heart.

Educate yourself. Find a purpose or passion for your life. Mine is family first and animals second. Find what makes you happy and do it over and over and over. Travel the world, but always come home.

Always treat people with the respect you want to be treated with. No matter their age, color, sexuality, etc. Everyone has feelings. Their choices are their choices, as yours belong to you. If it doesn't hurt you, then it's none of your business. Always be cautious, but give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe people are good until they are proven bad. So everyone you meet, grace them with your beautiful smile. That goes for animals too, always treat them with respect.

Have a sense of humor about the things that happen to you. Nothing is sexier than a woman who can laugh at herself.

Don't ever grow up. I don't mean in the traditional sense. I know I wish I could keep you as my child forever, my beautiful little girl that I can shelter from the world. But I know that isn't how the world works, my little caterpillar, must grown into a beautiful butterfly. What I mean is don't let the child inside of you grow up. If you want to ride the horse in front of the store at 23, do it, lord knows your daddy does. If you want to jump in the bouncy house, do it.

Okay this is a really big deal. Riding with the windows down, and the music blaring, singing at the top of your lungs will fix anything, I promise.

But most importantly, always remember that I love you. There is nothing in this world you could ever do to make me stop loving you. You hold my whole heart in the palm of your hand, and there is no one in this world I love more. You are the most beautiful blessing of my life. I can't wait to hear you laugh, to watch you take your first step, to see you beaming when you achieve a goal you've worked so hard for. You are my life's true wonder, and I'm so proud that God chose me to be your mommy.

Forever and always yours,
Mommy

This one's for you mom

Okay, so my mom has been on my case all day about me writing a new blog post, since I haven't written one since Monday. (Side note: I just tried to spell "one" like "wone.") So this one's for you mother dear.

Scarlett is doing pretty good after her surgery. She is on a bit higher oxygen concentration, and her oxygen levels are still swinging. The like to try to keep them 88-90. Sometimes she goes as low as the 70s, and high as 100. I told them I would like to hold her tomorrow so that we can see if that helps. Usually when I'm holding her she keeps her rates steady and is more relaxed for the day, even when she's replaced in her isolette.

She's still taking a couple of meds she's been on since surgery. She's on a small dose of dopamine to help keep her blood pressure levels even. She's also every so slightly sedated on Fentanall just to keep her in a relaxed state, which helps with her healing, but also with her oxygen and respiratory rates. She had to have another blood transfusion today, because her little circulatory system isn't quite developed enough to make the red blood cells she needs.

Mommy has about had it with breast pumps. I hurt, I'm barely producing, and I want to sleep through the night. I'm sleeping tonight. I'm not waking up to pump. I'm taking this one for me.

We have been blessed again. We received about $500 in gift cards from MARSOC foundation. I really love our military community. They step in and take care of us so quickly, all we have to do is ask, and everyone falls in.

Huge thanks to Sarah Stapleton for the bag of preemie clothes she gave us, there are about 40 outfits in the bag, so Scarlett will be set on preemies.

Also huge thanks to Kelsey Martin. She sent up a car seat and stroller combo, and six boxes of baby clothes. I'm so serious, six boxes, and she said she still has a special present just for her. Scarlett isn't gonna need clothes forever. Maybe mommy and daddy can save for college then.

My Momma, Ma, and Joel got her last night. I'm so happy, cause I'm not much for being alone unless I want to be. We spent the day laughing and talking, and doing things together. I'm so glad to have them here. They're already spoiling Scarlett rotten, I'm worried to see how bad its going to be when she gets out of the hospital.

I really really really miss my husband. I went home and spent Tuesday night with him. I'm so ready for him to be here tomorrow so I can love on him and laugh at him.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers. Don't forget to check my facebook page for the link to order yourself a baby Scarlett t-shirt. I want to come home and see those shirts in Wal-mart when Scarlett is older, so we can personally walk up and thank you ourselves.