Sunday Confession with More than Cheese and Beer: First love

Sunday Confession: First Love
Yay! My first Link up about my first love! How fitting!
This is going to be sickeningly sweet. The first love I can remember having isn't a romantic love. I dug really deep, but honestly every guy I've ever been even remotely serious with I've told I loved him and he was my first love. And in a way they were all my first love in a different kind of way. But the love I want to tell you about has nothing to do with romance. It has nothing to do with kissing and holding hands. Okay, well it kind of does, but its different with this man than it is with my former boyfriends, than it is with my husband. My first love's name is Joseph Davis, but he goes by Joe. I've known him my entire life. He's my grandpa. He's a strapping man, broad shouldered and standing tall at just over six feet. He wears a size 12 boot I believe, and they were hard for my tiny feet to clunk around in. He's not related to me by blood, but he is mine and I am his. When we first met, it was my first day in this big place. My parents elected for my gender to be a surprise, but with my mom's pregnancy, they were pretty sure I was a boy. They got all gender neutral things. Lo and behold, I was born, all girl, and mother dearest was upset that she didn't have a pretty pink dress to take her little girl home in. That was the first time he rescued his princess. He went right down to Walmart and picked out a beautiful pink frilly dress set, complete with bloomers, bow, and ruffled socks. I wish someone would have recorded that big manly man standing in front of the baby girl clothes trying to pick me out something fitting for a princess. My little girl came home from the hospital in that same dress. My parents wanted to call me Dani, or Ray. He wouldn't have it, he said I was a girl, and I would be called a girls name. He was scared to hold me. He said his hands were to big and clumsy, too rough from work, he'd drop me or he'd hurt me. He was sitting in his chair one day and my mom walked by and said "here, here hold this," and dropped me in his arms. The rest was history. He took me fishin'. He took me to the Forestry commission. I got to ride the float in the parade with him one year, when he was my own personal Smokey Bear. I stuck my foot to the three wheeler tire while we were riding one day, and he ran me all the way to the house to go to the hospital. He took me camping. He showed me how to pick blackberries. I spent my days swimming in the backyard under his watchful eye. He taught me how to drive. Every time he started out the back door, I was his shadow. He sometimes speaks in an old southern dialect that I don't understand. Once when he asked me to come "hope him" with something, I was just confused about who hope was. Whats so special about this man isn't his imposing figure. It isn't the sheer genius behind him knowing how to do everything (literally, the man does math problems and invents tools for fun.) I can't put my finger on whats so special about him, but I'm not the only one who sees it. He spent the better part of his life working hard. Damn hard. I only think I've heard him speak of two jobs after his army days. A company called Harris And Ellis that closed, and the Forestry commission. Very few people only work two jobs in their life. I'm just shy of 24 and had almost ten. He drew up plans for the beautiful home he and my grandma live in. They worked for two years after work and on weekends, and they built the house from the ground up. My first love has never let me down. He's made me cry on occasion, not from hurting me, but from teaching me one of numerous life lessons, or by saving me. My first love walked me down the aisle, to the man I fell in love with. He is the only man I've ever come across that has always been there when I needed him. He's never done me wrong. He taught me that I'm beautiful, and I'm smart. He taught me to demand respect from everyone I meet, but also to humble myself, and give respect, even when others don't deserve it. He still saves me, I'm ashamed to say I've spent my entire life without regards to what mess I might be making, because he was always there to clean it up. This is a man who doesn't tell you he loves you. I've heard it all of twice in my life. He shows you. Hes the rare gem that still believes in the good in people, until they prove him wrong. He's strong, even in his seventies. He's genuinely nice to everyone he meets. He's goofy in a serious sort of way. When its been a while since he's seen me, he tickles me under the ear and says "I ain't picked on you in a while!" I was never scared of him. He was always gentle with me. He's never yelled at me. But disappointing him always broke my heart clean in two. My first love taught me what a real man looks like. When my father let me down time after time, he was there. Strong and silent, like a rock. Every woman deserves a man like that in her life, some of us get lucky and find him on day one. I pray that during his remaining years on this Earth, I can soak up a small part of the wisdom and knowledge he is so filled with.

Head over to www.morethancheeseandbeer.com and check out the other confessions!

I hope...

Wow! Its been a long time since my last blog post. Sorry to everyone who enjoys reading our story. Spending time with Scarlett and getting her and ourselves acclimated to her being home kind of took precedence. It hasn't been easy. She came home on July 2, which was almost 3 weeks ago. I haven't got much sleep, I struggle daily to keep up with my housework. Scarlett has been having some constipation and reflux issues, and I hope after explaining to the doctor on Tuesday how miserable we've been as a whole, he will consider changing her formula. She's so far gone today, she doesn't want to eat hardly anything and I'm pretty certain she has a dairy allergy.

We took her to Georgia last week to meet her family. Traveling 10 hours with the equivalent of a newborn infant was not easy, let me tell you. We added about 2 hours to our arrival time each way, from diaper change and bottle stops, not to mention those times she just wanted to be held. Overall we thoroughly enjoyed being home with family, it was the first time since we left around New Years. Everyone was totally in love with Scarlett, and she's now spoiled rotten like month old milk from being held so much.

I've been slacking on the blog because I had a topic close to my heart that I wanted to write about, and I still haven't figured out exactly the answer I want to get to the question I ask myself every time I try to write the blog post. This isn't that blog post. Those who attended the baby shower for Scarlett were given a list of hopes for Baby Scarlett, and her nurses were also. Some of the responses to the questions made me cry, and some made me giggle, but all were heartfelt and meaningful. Today I'm going to write my responses to the questions as her mother, listing my hopes for her according to the prompts. Grab your tissues now Linda Jackson :)

Wishes for Baby Scarlett: 

I hope you learn to: be patient and kind. I hope you learn to treat others as good, until they prove to you that they are otherwise. I hope you learn all the knowledge you can possibly soak in. I hope you learn that without God, you are nothing, just a speck in this world, and everything you have is because of him. I hope you learn humility and humbleness, honesty and perseverance. 

I hope you love: God first and then yourself. I hope you love with all your heart, like you've never been hurt. There is nothing more beautiful than love. It conquers all, it heals all. I hope you know that you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself first. And yourself is pretty darn lovable. 

I hope you aren't afraid to: Take chances and make mistakes. You will mess up. You will royally screw up. Know that I'm always waiting for you if you do, I won't make it right, but I will help you make it right. Nothing is worth having if you don't take a chance. On love, on life, in your career. If given the opportunity, always take that exciting chance. It could burn and fizzle like a campfire the next morning, or it could end up being the best decision you ever made.

I hope you get: Your heart broken. I hope you get let down. I hope you get stronger with every little thing that goes wrong. I hope you get sick at the smell of cigarettes, and never ever touch them. I hope you get disappointed. I hope you get deliriously happy. I hope you get the hiccups from laughing so hard. 

I hope you grow: into the young woman that I know you can be. I hope you grow stronger and more beautiful than you already are. I hope you grow to have talent that proves useful in your life, and makes you happy. I hope you grow smart and wise. 

I hope you respect: yourself and those around you. I hope you respect the planet you live on. I hope you respect those who are smaller than you, weaker than you, poorer than you, less intelligent, or in anyway different. Those people have feelings too. I hope you respect nature. I hope you respect your father and I and all we've endured to get you here, all we've sacrificed and all we've given. We've each given a piece of ourselves to you, that we will never get back. That piece of ourselves is half of our hearts, please take care of it.

I hope you try to: Make the world a better place. Better yourself. Help those around you. I hope you try to stand up for what you believe in. I'll bail you out if you get arrested at some protest for something you're passionate about. I hope you always try to follow your dreams and your heart. 

I hope you laugh: At yourself. You'll never get embarrassed or upset if someone says something about you, or teases you. Just laugh it off. Laugh at whatever makes you happy, or sad. Try to find humor in whatever situation you find yourself in. 

I hope you never forget: What I tell you every morning after you finish your bottle, and we're cuddling in bed, and I'm getting all your sugars. You're beautiful, I love you, and I'm so proud you're my daughter. The only person who loves you more than I do is Jesus, and he died for you to go to Heaven. Don't forget those things. 

I hope you become: outrageously beautiful. So much so that you turn heads everywhere you go. I hope you're humble about your beauty and value those things inside you more than your looks. I hope you become kind and generous, leaving love and beauty trailing behind you with every step.

I hope you experience: things outside of your comfort zone. Go to another country with next to no money. Go sky diving. Go skiing. If you're curious, go on a date with a girl. I want you to experience all that life has to offer, and don't let fear of what other people might think hold you back. The only person's opinions who matter are yours, and if it makes you happy go for it. I will never judge you for the choices you make in your life. 

I hope you dance: to the beat of your own drum. Like no one's watching. All crazy with your arms and legs flying everywhere. In the rain, in the car, in front of your bedroom mirror.

Coming home, doesn't look like she was too happy!

Her second photo shoot.She actually cried through most of this one. Photo credit to Eric Jordan

First fourth! 

She loves bathtime!

Cuddling with her puppy. LOL at that face!

I love these tiny toes!

This ain't sunshine and roses...

If you've read all my prior blog posts, you probably have noted how positive I am in this situation. If you're looking for that here, you've got the wrong post and you proabably shouldn't read this one. I've been looking for a new topic for a post, and have been struggling with what to say. I feel everyone has come to expect this beautiful letters to Scarlett and updates on her progress. I am burnt out to put it simply.

I'm pissed. I've been here almost 11 weeks with my daughter. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled. I've enjoyed beautiful moments watching her grow that I wouldn't have otherwise seen had I been pregnant. But I'm pissed I got robbed of that experience. Everyday I log onto facebook and I see posts of these mommies with big bellies and I'm jealous. But I'm even more so pissed when I see one of them complaining about how hard it is to be pregnant and how they're going to do this or that and speed up labor. If you've posted about that recently, then yeah I'm talking about you. Every single one of you have seen my posts you've seen what I'm going through. Better yet, you've seen what my daughter is going through. You think pregnancy sucks? How about visiting your child in the hospital for 11 weeks? How about waiting agonizing days before you can hold your child? How about wondering what tomorrow holds for your child, or if they'll even live past next week? Would you rather have this experience or yours? Yeah, that's what I thought. Walk a mile in these shoes, I promise you'll cherish every back ache, foot swell, kick to the ribs etc...I didn't get that. Millions of other women never get that.

I'm pissed. I have watched families come in with their babies AFTER we did and leave ALREADY. I believe I now officially have the oldest child in this unit. I am so sick of this hospital. I'm sick of the ugly carpet with stupid designs. I'm sick of all the beach decor, that is supposed to be calming, but at this point comes across tacky. I'm sick of the wires my baby is hooked up to. I'm sick of the melody of machines beeping. I'm sick of watching my child struggle daily and always coming up short. I'm sick of staring at her empty room, all set up, ready and waiting, and wondering how much longer until she's there. I'm sick of spending my nights alone, in a bed that isn't mine, while my husband sleeps in our bed alone (better be anyway :) miles away.

I"m sick of another woman coming in and telling me how to deal with my child. I'm sick of her telling me when I can do the things a mother is supposed to do. I'm sick of being told, do it this way or that way, when I want to do it MY way.

I"m sick of people telling me they're proud of me and how strong I'm being. I know they mean well, but what do you think I'm going to do? Tuck tail and run because I'm in a hard and scary situation? This is my child, and I will be here for her until the day I die. I don't have time to break down and cry. I don't have time to be a mess. She needs me to be strong for her. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the beautiful little girl who melts my heart every time she looks at me.


Sorry for the vent. Scarlett is now 5 lbs 2 oz and cute as a button. She's off oxygen and in an open crib. Just waiting on her to decide she's ready for a bottle so she can go home. Its a lot harder than it looks.

Joan of Arc who?

Lately I've been struggling with finding a definitive topic for a new blog post. There's so much that bounces around in my brain on a daily basis, when I think of an awesome topic, it usually is gone before my brain can elaborate. I've got a draft saved of one I've been working on, but it isn't coming out the way I want, so I'm just going to do an update on Mighty Mouse.

*Side note* I just realized how bad I'm slacking. I looked back to see where I was in her story on my last post and realized I've only made one post for May. Oops.

Last I posted, Scarlett was 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. What a difference a matter of weeks make! She is now 4 pounds 9.2 ounces. She was gaining weight so fast, they lowered the calories on her formula and put her on lasiks to help her body rid of excess water. They thought the reason for the excess gain was retaining water, as she had some swelling in her legs. She's a little chunker though, with chubby cheeks.

She made it around 4 days off oxygen. but because of reflux causing desats during her feeding they put her back on. She got some pretty nasty immunizations, so they had to go up on oxygen a bit to accommodate the stress it was putting her under. She got 3 different shots for her two month vaccines. The first was three vaccines in one, and then she had another the following day. She had a rough couple days after that, you could tell she felt awful. She was hardly awake for two days, with constant desats requiring extra oxygen. She was doing so miserably, I revoked my consent for vaccination, requiring them to wait a few days before giving her the last one, which was today.

But for the good news, she has now taken two whole bottles! And I missed both!! But her wonderful nurse Sonja made sure to take a picture and tell me all about it. She said if Scarlett is okay after the vaccine today, she will be taken back off oxygen tomorrow and probably into an open crib! Yay for her, because she has some pretty gnarly poops, and I feel bad for her having to be shut up in there with them!

Mommy sure is ready for her to come home! She's the most beautiful and funny thing ever! She is a little warrior!

Little One

Scarlett,

You're getting so big! 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. It took you 7 weeks, but you gained a pound! You have the cutest little pink birth mark on your head. You're doing so well, your breathing issues are almost minimal. A desat here and there maybe a brady every once in a while. Nothing like you were having. Every new nurse that works with you comments on how feisty you are. You let them know when you're mad, and Mommy couldn't be prouder.

Because that feistyness is what will get you through this journey. That feistyness is what will allow you to continue through this world in one piece.

The world is a beautiful place my love. I've only been able so see one small corner of it, but that little piece is my piece of heaven. Davis Lane  is the most beautiful place on the earth. I love to watch the ripples in the pond, the pine trees swaying in the breeze. See the birds and squirrels playing, watch the flowers bloom. I love to take walks with the red clay under my feet. One day you too will play there little bit, and I hope you appreciate it as much as I do. That's where daddy will probably teach you how to fish, you may even learn how to drive there. But what you will learn is that there is always a place to go when you need life to slow down, when you just need a moment to breathe, or just a moment alone with God. You can always find God there.

The world can be ugly though little one. People will hurt you. How you deal with that hurt says everything about the content of your character. Be generous with your forgiveness. Although its hard, try not to say things and do things out of anger, when you do so you only add to the ugliness of the world. I so want for you to be beautiful in this ugly world. So many times we hear stories of innocents being harmed, say a prayer for them. We never will be able to make up for all the ugliness, but we can add beauty to our small little corner. Smile at those you pass, smile at those who hurt you. If you can be that person, the one who never harbors hate in your heart, it will do you more good than you will ever realize.

But don't let people run over you. Always stand up for yourself and demand respect. Even if its me or daddy you're having to demand respect from, that is where you start. I promise to always respect you and honor the choices you make for your life. I plan to let you make decisions for yourself early on, so long as they don't hurt you, and if they do, best believe I will step in. I want to prepare you for this world little one. I can only protect you from it for so long. I think you're better off if I prepare you for it. And I hope when you read these letters, you can look back and see that I taught you these things, and you took them to heart and used them to become the person you are now.

Be humble little one. Always know that the things you're blessed with were given to you. If it weren't for our Father God, you wouldn't have those things. If the car you have is nicer than your friends, take turns driving. If your clothes are nicer than hers, share, or ask if she wants to trade. If you see a puppy or kitty on the side of the road, bring it home, if we don't have too many we'll keep it, if we do, we'll find it a home. Always be appreciative of what you have, and always share when you can.

Try new things little one. I tried octopus once, and it wasn't half bad, I wouldn't order it for myself, but it wasn't terrible. Every chance you get try something new, broaden your horizons, but don't forget your favorites, we haven't forgotten you.

I'm not always going to be perfect and neither are you. But together we share a perfect love little one. I promise I will always be here when you need me. I may get frustrated, I may yell, but never for a single moment doubt my love for you. You are my angel, my very own superhero. You saved me when I didn't even know I needed saving. I am forever grateful you came into my life.

Catching up

So I've been MIA from the blog the past couple of weeks. My laptop charger broke and I tried to find one that didn't cost me an arm and a leg. I didn't succeed. Linda Jackson and my mother dearest have been on my case about writing a new blog post so here we go.

First things first. Scarlett has made it up to 2 pounds and 10 ounces. Way to go mighty mouse! She's been putting on an average of 2 ounces a day the past week.

She is still having a lot of respiratory problems.She is constantly swinging on her oxygen saturation, and has bradycardia every so often. Today they decided to try her on the hi flow oxygen again, because the cpap is breaking down her little septum, its almost non existent. The nurse just came in and said it seems like she's doing better on hi flow, so lets hope that continues.

Next week they start checking her eyes to make sure she isn't having any ROP. The increased oxygen can cause very serious problems for her eyesight in the future, which is another reason we're really hoping to get this breathing thing on the roll.

She's beautiful.  I mean absolutely stunning. I can't believe I had a part in creating something so magnificent. God has surely blessed me with a beautiful sweet little girl.

God has also blessed me with wonderful people who are helping us through this journey. So far we've been blessed with donations from numerous people who care about us. T shirts are being sold, a carwash is being held,we are so thankful for everything that has been done for us.

We've also been blessed by four non profit foundations that helped us in our time of need. Most notably, the Brother's In Arms foundation that paid $2500 worth of our bills this month. That enables us to use most of our money this month to go towards being with Scarlett and preparing for her homecoming. If anyone is interested in donating to this wonderful foundation, they can be found at http://www.brothersinarmsfoundation.org/ Other organizations that helped us was Operation First Response, the Marsoc Foundation, and Mom 365. We are so very blessed by their donations, and they will never understand how much they have touched our family.

I long for the day I'm able to walk out those doors,put her in my car and take her home. I plan to give her the absolute best of myself. She is the absolute best of me. She will never realize how deep my love for her is, but I swear everyday to try and show her. Being her mommy is the best thing I've ever done.
Sorry the pics are a little out of order

04/15/14 1st time on Hiflow

First Easter '14

2nd Time of Hi flow 04/26/14

First Easter, Baby doll dress

Finally found bows that fit!

Cuddles with her very own Prince Charming

Sleeping good on mommy 

Well Hello There :)

What's going on around here?

I Can blow bubbles!

4/26

4/26

Hands

Dear Scarlett,

I've already told everyone I have an obsession with your feet,but I found a new obsession...your tiny little hands.

It is the sweetest thing to bring your little fingers or little palms to my lips and shower them with sweet mommy kisses. What's even sweeter is how much you seem to enjoy it. You seem to make a game out of it. And I love it. Sometimes you will stretch those little fingers towards my lips, pushing your little fingers at my lips so I can lay on the lovin'. Then sometimes you decide to ball them up so I can't get to them. And if I'm not paying attention, like now, that little hand does the jazz hands and starts waving in the air. So freaking cute..

But all this love of those tiny sweet hands got me thinking of all the things those hands will do.

One day those hands will feed you, and I no longer will. I'll probably be happy the first time you hold your bottle, so I can fold laundry. But later that night when I put you down to sleep, and you're holding that very bottle, tears will probably come to my eyes, because my baby is growing up so fast.

One day those hands are going to reach in your diaper and smear poop everywhere. And I'll be so frustrated cleaning it up, muttering ugly words under my breath so you don't hear them and repeat them. And when I get you out of the shower, and I see your sweet smile, I'll smile too, but I'll know it's time for potty training.

One day those hands are going to pull on your very own puppy's tail, or ears, or fur. You're going to be best of friends, your first best friend besides mommy. And you're going to run out in the yard to play with your puppy, and I'll be sad, because you won't be playing with me anymore.

One day those hands will be holding a book, carrying your mind to some wonderful place you once only dreamed of. And I'll smile, because you've gained my love of knowledge and the power of a good book. I'll cry happy tears, because I was once told my micro preemie may have developmental disabilities, and here she is, smart as a whip.

One day those hands will wrap around your hairbrush, singing some song to your adoring audience of one in your bedroom mirror. And I'll smile, reminiscing on my childhood doing the same thing. Then I'll cry, because you kick me out your room, embarrassed I was 'spying' on you.

One day those hands will grab the hand of your date to your first dance, as you walk down the steps to his mom's car. And I'll smile, because you look so beautiful, but I'll cry, because you look so grown up.

One day those hands will crank up your first car and put it into drive. I'll smile, because you're getting your first taste of complete freedom, and I'll cry waiting up for you, praying you make it safe.

One day those hands will take your high school diploma from your principal. And I'll smile, because you worked so hard and finally reached your goal. But I'll cry, because that's the first step towards losing my baby.

One day those hands will use a key to open your first place of your own, whether it be a dorm room or an apartment with your friends. And I'll smile, because you're so independent, but when I get home, I"ll cry because I'm so scared for my baby to be in the great big world without me.

One day those hands will put to use what ever skill you choose for your life. I'll smile, because you're living your dream, and if I cry it will be tears of joy to see your happiness doing what you love.

One day those hands will wear a ring placed on your finger by the man (or whatever makes you happy) you love, and they'll wrap around your daddy's arm as he walks you down the isle to give you to that man (or whatever makes you happy). And I'll smile and cry at the same time, because I'm losing my baby to someone who makes her happier than I could ever dream of.

One day those hands will be handed a baby of your own. I'll smile, because you finally know the most pure beautiful love in the world. I'll cry because I'm a grandma. (take that however you want)

One day those hands will hold mine as I say goodbye for the last time. I'll smile because I'm going home to meet my heavenly father. I'll cry because I know how much you will miss me and need me.

There is one thing those hands do now that they will do forever more, that will never change. And that my dear is hold my heart in their palm. I smile because I love it, I cry because I love it.

I love you,
Mommy

Who will she be?

Scarlett has got an attitude today y'all. Oh lord help me, my little bitty 1 pound 13 oz peanut has got an attitude.I'm shaking in my boots...

Really I am. What does this much attitude now mean for me later? I'm terrified. My momma always said she hoped I had a child worse than me. I think it came true. Be careful what you wish for momma cause you're the babysitter.

No, Scarlett is exactly as fiesty as she needs to be. Shes wiggling and kicking and waving her hands around. She's pulling at her CPAP mask. My child is a fighter. She is touch and she is strong. And she will be a force to be reckoned with.

And damn is she beautiful.She has the kind of beauty that takes my heart away. The kind of beauty that makes my heart hurt for all the little boys that are going to fall in love with her.

She's an angel. She's perfect. She is everything beautiful and unique and different that I want for my life.

I can't wait to see what kind of person she grows up to be. I already know she will be sweet and kind on the surface, but the kind of girl you just don't want to mess around with. I know this because that's how I will raise her.

But I want to know what kind of sense of humor she will have. Will she be clumsy like me or athletic like Ben? Will she like to read like me, or watch tv like daddy? Will school come naturally or will she have to work at it? Will she go against everything I tell her, to prove her own independence?

I have so many questions about her and who she is and will be. But I don't want to know just yet...I want my baby to grow fast enough to get out of here quickly, but slow enough that I can enjoy her. When it's time she will answer and tell me exactly who she is. Right now I'm content with Miss Scarlett, Mommy's baby asleep on my chest.

In the eye of the storm...for now..

This week is only half over and it's been the hardest one yet. I had a mental breakdown Monday night. Complete with calling Ben at 3 a.m. bawling my eyes out. I don't remember what was said, I do remember waking up with mascara stained cheeks, and crying again because I knew the night before was awful.  I remember thinking I was so undeserving of being Scarlett's mother. I'm over that, this child was made to save me, and that's what she'll do.

Her daddy came to our rescue like a knight in shining armor. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me he had a package that he was having delivered to me at the hospitality house. I got ready and headed over to the hospital only to see his car in the parking lot. And you can't miss ol' Betty. It was the sweetest thing to see him sitting in that NICU room. I just curled up in his lap and let him hold me and probably cried some more.

I'm almost back to normal now. I catch myself tearing up, but it comes with the territory. The thing that gets me the most is the anger. I'm so damn angry and I don't know why. Who am I mad at? I'm not mad at God, I know he gave me this beautiful baby and difficult journey for a reason. I'm not mad at myself, I know it isn't my fault. So who am I mad at? I guess life and the circumstances themselves, because it just isn't fair.

Scarlett got extubated again today. Which is exciting. She's doing really well on the CPAP and is being monitored closely to make sure it isn't hurting her little face again.

I'm scared to see what my child is going to be like. I'm gonna have my hands full, that's for certain. She's already so fiesty. She's pulling at the CPAP mask and kicking and screaming. That what she needs to do though, that drive and will is what ensures her survival.

I want to write her a letter about what happened Monday night, I want to tell her I'ms sorry. Because what I did that night, directly affected her the next day. I have to be better than that, for her. I can't afford to lose it like I did. She deserves so much better than what I had to give Monday night and Tuesday. And she will get it. By God I swear I will be the best damn momma to this little girl. She will grow up knowing how much I love her and will do anything for her. And I won't lose my sanity in the process.

Letter To My Daughter.

Dear Scarlett,

I'm sitting in your NICU room with Ma and GiGi (or grandma, whatever we decided to go with). I could not be more proud of you. I'm so blessed to be your mommy. You're the most beautiful strong little girl I've ever seen in my life. We are both so very loved by our family.

I started a letter the week before you were born and I never finished it. So I'm going to write it here, and then finish it out so it's whole for you. Here goes nothing..

You probably won't read this for a long time, and when you do, you will realize you have a forgetful mommy. Or maybe it was just because I was so sick, that I didn't write more letters. I lost 15 pounds total, but I'm sure by the time you read this I've told you a billion times. I'm so excited for you to be here (now it's to be home)! I've already got so many plans for the things I want to teach you.

 I want to teach you to be the type of person who always gives more than she takes. The kind of woman who grows up beautiful, strong, and fearless. I want to give you the freedom to grow and become your own person, but to know that my arms and heart will always be open for you as a home and a safe haven.

There isn't anything in this world you can't do baby, if you put your mind to it. You've already fought so hard for this life, no one is more deserving of it. I want you to look on this world with fresh eyes everyday, and see the beauty in it. When you do see the ugly, I want you to figure out how to make it beautiful. God blessed us with this world.

Speaking of God, I want you to know that he is always right there with you. In every test in your life, every triumph, every heartbreak. God is right there. He gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. Always remember he loves you, and he's always the friend you need. Cry out to him, cast your cares upon him. I know he can take it, cause he's taking mine right now while you lay in your incubator.

Be who you want to be. If you want to drink wine, drink it. If you want whiskey, go for it. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for making the choices you think are right for you. You are unique to yourself, always be your own person. Don't copy others, be the kind of girl others want to copy.

But do it in moderation. I can personally attest that bad decisions come from too much. If you feel the need to have more than you should, do it around people you trust explicitly, that you know will take care of you. Don't do it in public where you will make a fool of yourself, or worry about a ride home, or go home with some random boy that won't remember your name in the morning.

Always have respect for yourself. Carry yourself with dignity and grace. If the boy is worth it, he will wait. He will take care of your heart. He will come home with you and shake your daddy's hand. And your daddy will hate him. Until you find him, hold yourself aloof, make them work to get into your heart, and NEVER LET THEM IN YOUR PANTS!

Always believe in true love and the power of it. When he makes your heart skip a beat, when you crave his touch or kiss, when you know that he would do anything in this world for you, even die for you, then that's how you know. But don't ever compare your love to the love of anyone else, not mine and your father's not what you see in the movies. It is uniquely yours, and when you know, you know in your heart.

Educate yourself. Find a purpose or passion for your life. Mine is family first and animals second. Find what makes you happy and do it over and over and over. Travel the world, but always come home.

Always treat people with the respect you want to be treated with. No matter their age, color, sexuality, etc. Everyone has feelings. Their choices are their choices, as yours belong to you. If it doesn't hurt you, then it's none of your business. Always be cautious, but give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe people are good until they are proven bad. So everyone you meet, grace them with your beautiful smile. That goes for animals too, always treat them with respect.

Have a sense of humor about the things that happen to you. Nothing is sexier than a woman who can laugh at herself.

Don't ever grow up. I don't mean in the traditional sense. I know I wish I could keep you as my child forever, my beautiful little girl that I can shelter from the world. But I know that isn't how the world works, my little caterpillar, must grown into a beautiful butterfly. What I mean is don't let the child inside of you grow up. If you want to ride the horse in front of the store at 23, do it, lord knows your daddy does. If you want to jump in the bouncy house, do it.

Okay this is a really big deal. Riding with the windows down, and the music blaring, singing at the top of your lungs will fix anything, I promise.

But most importantly, always remember that I love you. There is nothing in this world you could ever do to make me stop loving you. You hold my whole heart in the palm of your hand, and there is no one in this world I love more. You are the most beautiful blessing of my life. I can't wait to hear you laugh, to watch you take your first step, to see you beaming when you achieve a goal you've worked so hard for. You are my life's true wonder, and I'm so proud that God chose me to be your mommy.

Forever and always yours,
Mommy

This one's for you mom

Okay, so my mom has been on my case all day about me writing a new blog post, since I haven't written one since Monday. (Side note: I just tried to spell "one" like "wone.") So this one's for you mother dear.

Scarlett is doing pretty good after her surgery. She is on a bit higher oxygen concentration, and her oxygen levels are still swinging. The like to try to keep them 88-90. Sometimes she goes as low as the 70s, and high as 100. I told them I would like to hold her tomorrow so that we can see if that helps. Usually when I'm holding her she keeps her rates steady and is more relaxed for the day, even when she's replaced in her isolette.

She's still taking a couple of meds she's been on since surgery. She's on a small dose of dopamine to help keep her blood pressure levels even. She's also every so slightly sedated on Fentanall just to keep her in a relaxed state, which helps with her healing, but also with her oxygen and respiratory rates. She had to have another blood transfusion today, because her little circulatory system isn't quite developed enough to make the red blood cells she needs.

Mommy has about had it with breast pumps. I hurt, I'm barely producing, and I want to sleep through the night. I'm sleeping tonight. I'm not waking up to pump. I'm taking this one for me.

We have been blessed again. We received about $500 in gift cards from MARSOC foundation. I really love our military community. They step in and take care of us so quickly, all we have to do is ask, and everyone falls in.

Huge thanks to Sarah Stapleton for the bag of preemie clothes she gave us, there are about 40 outfits in the bag, so Scarlett will be set on preemies.

Also huge thanks to Kelsey Martin. She sent up a car seat and stroller combo, and six boxes of baby clothes. I'm so serious, six boxes, and she said she still has a special present just for her. Scarlett isn't gonna need clothes forever. Maybe mommy and daddy can save for college then.

My Momma, Ma, and Joel got her last night. I'm so happy, cause I'm not much for being alone unless I want to be. We spent the day laughing and talking, and doing things together. I'm so glad to have them here. They're already spoiling Scarlett rotten, I'm worried to see how bad its going to be when she gets out of the hospital.

I really really really miss my husband. I went home and spent Tuesday night with him. I'm so ready for him to be here tomorrow so I can love on him and laugh at him.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers. Don't forget to check my facebook page for the link to order yourself a baby Scarlett t-shirt. I want to come home and see those shirts in Wal-mart when Scarlett is older, so we can personally walk up and thank you ourselves.

Put your war face on.

I thought the hardest thing to do was watch my daughter from outside a plastic box, not being able to hold her, not being able to comfort her when I seen her little face scrunched up crying. I was wrong. The hardest thing I've ever done is send my child off for someone to cut her open. It didn't help that the surgeon took forty forevers to come explain the surgery to me and get my consent. He literally walked in her room two hours after she was taken back for preop and thirty minutes before her surgery.

Okay, I lied. The hardest thing I've done in my life thus far, is to walk into the procedure room and see Scarlett paralyzed. They tried to tell me to think of it as resting peacefully. No, my child was and still is at this moment paralyzed.I'm talking full body paralyzation. No twitches when I tickle her feet. She's been twitching some since she's been out of surgery for several hours. I still have this irrational fear that she's going to be paralyzed for life. God  help me.

I am exhausted. I have stayed up for 48 hours before and not been as tired as I am now. I have to wake up every 4 1/2 hours at night to pump. I'm constantly running during the day. I am so tired. I need one full day of uninterrupted  sleep. Ha! Maybe when she's like 5 and can spend a whole weekend with her GiGi or her Nana.

I am so thankful for the continued support and prayers we've been getting from you all. It means more than y'all know! Now if we can just get y'all to order some t-shirts.

https://www.booster.com/babyscarlett

Before Surgery

Hold my hand a little while, My heart forever

I got my brave face on mommy!

I am obsessed with her adorable little feet. 

Food goes in, Poop comes out

I am utterly amazed at the amount of views on each of my blog posts! I'm so thankful for the continued support from my friends, family, community, and total strangers.

Scarlett  pooped twice last night!! I'm so excited. It's a big step in the right direction. I hate I missed those dirty diapers. Oh well, there will be more to come.

She has to have surgery Monday morning. The PDA didn't close and its been two rounds of meds with no effect. It's scary to know my tiny baby will be having surgery, but I know she's strong and it will do so much good for her when it comes to her lungs and heart.

She's also being fed today and will continue to be fed after she comes off the anesthetic Monday afternoon. It's exciting, because now she should start gaining weight and growing.

I'm nervous. I'm staying at home in Jacksonville tonight, and then I return to Wilmington tomorrow by myself. Ben has to return to work on Monday and handle all the paperwork to get Scarlett on his insurance and enrolled in the programs on base. I knew it was coming, but it's going to be rough not having him by my side. He's my rock. He keeps me laughing and keeps me sane while driving me crazy. I'm sure I'll blow his phone up during the week while he's at home and I'm there. We printed out pictures of Scarlett for him to keep on his desk at work, and to keep here at home. He's really going to be such an excellent daddy y'all. He worries so much, but he never lets it show. Scarlett is definitely going to be daddy's girl.

Please continue to pray everything works out with our housing situation so we can move into the new place this month. We still have a lot on our plates to worry about, but I know God has got us and is going to take care of us.

Also, make sure you get your baby Scarlett t-shirt. Anyone can email me to get the paypal information to pay for one.

She Didn't have time.

I forgot to update on Scarlett yesterday, so I'll get both in today.

They got her PICC line in yesterday! Hallelujah!! But we took a step back as far as breathing. The CPAP was bruising her face, so they had to remove it and put her back on the ventilator. She had to have another blood transfusion yesterday also. She finished her second round of Ibuprofen to close the PDA yesterday, and they came in today to do the Echo, and we should have the results this afternoon. I pray it is closing.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and bought 3 books to read to her while we Kangaroo. I bought "I'll love you forever," "Mama Will I be yours forever?" and "Crysanthmum". I'm excited to read them to her. I cried when I read I'll love you forever.

We got in contact with a wonderful lady named Mrs. Donna Anders a couple of days ago. She works for a organization called Operation First Response. We spoke to her on Wednesday, and yesterday she called the Hospitality House, and paid almost a month of our stay. That is a huge blessing or us and she will never understand what kind of impact that had on us, it gave us a courage boost to have that much less to worry about.

I'm also kinda getting annoyed at getting told daily I don't look like I just had a baby. Of course I don't! She was only 1 lb 12 oz and she came at 25 weeks! I had just hit my prepregnancy weight the week before I had her! I'm also kind of worried about how much weight I'm losing now. I weighed at 139 right before my discharge the day after I had her, and I weighed at 122 yesterday. I know I didn't lose that much water weight! I also started Fenugreek supplements yesterday to help with my breast milk production. I hope it works!

Also, we keep getting told how proud everyone is of how strong we are. Our caseworker for EFMP told me yesterday he was surprised at how together we had it, that most people would be falling apart right now. I told him falling apart isn't an option, and you don't really know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong. And anytime anyone inquires about me having any signs of post partum depression, I simply reply "Postpartum depression, Who Has time for that?"

Well that's all I can think of to tell as of right now, but like they say, "No news is good News"

Okay, so Ben isn't walking out on us, but "She didn't have time" says the feelings of how it is. I could cry, but I don't have time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI

03/27/14

Why Must an Angel Suffer?

We got some news today that was very hard to hear. Even though Scarlett is still doing well for her situation, there's some problems.


First they tried three times yesterday to get the PICC line in, without success. They really need to get this line in, because the umbilical catheter is not good for extended  periods, and it needs to come out. As I'm writing this from our room, the doctors and nurses are in her room trying to get it in either a vein on her leg, or through her scalp. Her little arms are so bruised from their attempts yesterday they don't want to try that again. If they can't get it in this time, then she will have to have surgery to put one in. Which will put her back on the vent, which delays progress. God I hope this works.

Second. The first round of meds had no effect on her PDA. It's still very large and open. Not good. They started her second round of meds last night. The doctor said if it doesn't start closing, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't, but there's still a possibility of surgery to close it. But they will wait a while and see on that one.

Third, she has a small bleed on both sides of her brain.They aren't super concerned with it, as they're small. Stage 1-2, a bad would be stage 3-4. As a preemie she already was at risk for developmental delays and impairments, at a 10% chance. Bleeding on the brain increases that by another 10%. So she's now at a 20% chance for delays and impairments.  There's nothing they can do about it. Miss Sonya assured me that its not as bad in babies, and is actually quite common. She said they have ways of figuring out how to fix their brain bleeds as they grow, that adults don't have. Still, no mother wants to hear her child's brain has bleeds.

I am at a breakdown point. I couldn't even listen to the rest of what the doctor was telling us. I went to the chapel and begged God to take care of her. I need her healthy happy and whole. I don't want to see her struggle. I want more good days than bad for her. I want to take her home and sit with her for hours. I want my baby to be normal and healthy. I can't help but feel guilty, like I done this to her. If it wasn't for my incompetent body, she would still be in my womb, growing happy and healthy. She doesn't deserve this. She's so beautiful, why must an angel suffer?

We do not walk alone...

My Mighty Mouse is a week old today! Wow time flies...its so hard to believe its been a week. So much has happened. Scarlett is doing well today. About five this morning, they had to add a non invasive ventilator to help her breath because she got tired. Its hard work breathing on your own when Mommy is still supposed to be doing it for you!

They tried adding what is called a picc line today.  A picc line is an intravenous line that is inserted into a vein, often in the arm, that allows the use of a larger vein. This is a method of delivering nutrients and medicines that might otherwise irritate smaller veins.
They tried twice and couldn't get it in, so they are going to try again tomorrow. We are waiting for the results of her echocardiogram,, to see if they PDA vessel is closing. I have faith that it will close without surgery. 

Mommy is able to pump a good bit of milk for her now, and I should have enough supply to last her several weeks, because when she does start eating, it will only be a couple mL at a time, and I'm pumping about an ounce each pump, 6-8 times a day. 

I'm excited to take her her blankies tomorrow. She can only use them during kangaroo care, but at least it will be something for her that is her own. 

Mommy and Daddy are more worried about themselves through out this ordeal than they are her. We know she is in good hands, and God has assured us that he is going to take care of her. We have no clue how we're going to make it through emotionally, physically, or financially. It's only been a week and I'm exhausted. 

We're doing everything we can to find resources to help us. I'm sure everyone knows we have the gofundme account set up, and we're contacting civilian and military resources daily to try and get help. We have an amazing support system. Our friend Kylee is going out of her way to help us and she will never know how much we appreciate all she is doing for us. I can't wait to get a picture of her and Scarlett together, I really feel like she's family now. If anyone can help her with the car wash or would like to buy a t-shirt it would help us tremendously. 

On another note, I ask everyone to pray that Ben's command can give him orders, so we can break our lease to move into a place  a friend offered us. The new place is a lot bigger and nicer, and would cost us way less to live in. We hope to hear back from his command sometime soon. A big thanks to Nachelle and Chris Illnicki for the offer. We could never explain our gratitude at such a generous offer. 

Tonight is going to be a sleepless one. Not only do I wake up to pump, but every time my phone buzzes for whatever reason, I wake up with my heart pounding. Its a fear like none other. It is nice to be home for a day though, and sleep in my own bed. Its a guilt trip though, I feel like she knows when I'm not there. But she has an amazing nurse named Sonya, who takes great care of her. Sonya actually asked to be on her care team, and is now her care manager. Which is great, because Sonya is the mother of a preemie herself, and she's an amazing nurse. It doesn't hurt that she's in love with Scarlett too. We also asked for one of our night nurses, Jennifer to be on our care team. I will feel so much more comfortable knowing the same people are taking care of her. 

I'm counting down the hours until I can get back to my princess. 

I didn't take any pictures today, so I'll leave you with this.