This ain't sunshine and roses...

If you've read all my prior blog posts, you probably have noted how positive I am in this situation. If you're looking for that here, you've got the wrong post and you proabably shouldn't read this one. I've been looking for a new topic for a post, and have been struggling with what to say. I feel everyone has come to expect this beautiful letters to Scarlett and updates on her progress. I am burnt out to put it simply.

I'm pissed. I've been here almost 11 weeks with my daughter. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled. I've enjoyed beautiful moments watching her grow that I wouldn't have otherwise seen had I been pregnant. But I'm pissed I got robbed of that experience. Everyday I log onto facebook and I see posts of these mommies with big bellies and I'm jealous. But I'm even more so pissed when I see one of them complaining about how hard it is to be pregnant and how they're going to do this or that and speed up labor. If you've posted about that recently, then yeah I'm talking about you. Every single one of you have seen my posts you've seen what I'm going through. Better yet, you've seen what my daughter is going through. You think pregnancy sucks? How about visiting your child in the hospital for 11 weeks? How about waiting agonizing days before you can hold your child? How about wondering what tomorrow holds for your child, or if they'll even live past next week? Would you rather have this experience or yours? Yeah, that's what I thought. Walk a mile in these shoes, I promise you'll cherish every back ache, foot swell, kick to the ribs etc...I didn't get that. Millions of other women never get that.

I'm pissed. I have watched families come in with their babies AFTER we did and leave ALREADY. I believe I now officially have the oldest child in this unit. I am so sick of this hospital. I'm sick of the ugly carpet with stupid designs. I'm sick of all the beach decor, that is supposed to be calming, but at this point comes across tacky. I'm sick of the wires my baby is hooked up to. I'm sick of the melody of machines beeping. I'm sick of watching my child struggle daily and always coming up short. I'm sick of staring at her empty room, all set up, ready and waiting, and wondering how much longer until she's there. I'm sick of spending my nights alone, in a bed that isn't mine, while my husband sleeps in our bed alone (better be anyway :) miles away.

I"m sick of another woman coming in and telling me how to deal with my child. I'm sick of her telling me when I can do the things a mother is supposed to do. I'm sick of being told, do it this way or that way, when I want to do it MY way.

I"m sick of people telling me they're proud of me and how strong I'm being. I know they mean well, but what do you think I'm going to do? Tuck tail and run because I'm in a hard and scary situation? This is my child, and I will be here for her until the day I die. I don't have time to break down and cry. I don't have time to be a mess. She needs me to be strong for her. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the beautiful little girl who melts my heart every time she looks at me.


Sorry for the vent. Scarlett is now 5 lbs 2 oz and cute as a button. She's off oxygen and in an open crib. Just waiting on her to decide she's ready for a bottle so she can go home. Its a lot harder than it looks.

Joan of Arc who?

Lately I've been struggling with finding a definitive topic for a new blog post. There's so much that bounces around in my brain on a daily basis, when I think of an awesome topic, it usually is gone before my brain can elaborate. I've got a draft saved of one I've been working on, but it isn't coming out the way I want, so I'm just going to do an update on Mighty Mouse.

*Side note* I just realized how bad I'm slacking. I looked back to see where I was in her story on my last post and realized I've only made one post for May. Oops.

Last I posted, Scarlett was 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. What a difference a matter of weeks make! She is now 4 pounds 9.2 ounces. She was gaining weight so fast, they lowered the calories on her formula and put her on lasiks to help her body rid of excess water. They thought the reason for the excess gain was retaining water, as she had some swelling in her legs. She's a little chunker though, with chubby cheeks.

She made it around 4 days off oxygen. but because of reflux causing desats during her feeding they put her back on. She got some pretty nasty immunizations, so they had to go up on oxygen a bit to accommodate the stress it was putting her under. She got 3 different shots for her two month vaccines. The first was three vaccines in one, and then she had another the following day. She had a rough couple days after that, you could tell she felt awful. She was hardly awake for two days, with constant desats requiring extra oxygen. She was doing so miserably, I revoked my consent for vaccination, requiring them to wait a few days before giving her the last one, which was today.

But for the good news, she has now taken two whole bottles! And I missed both!! But her wonderful nurse Sonja made sure to take a picture and tell me all about it. She said if Scarlett is okay after the vaccine today, she will be taken back off oxygen tomorrow and probably into an open crib! Yay for her, because she has some pretty gnarly poops, and I feel bad for her having to be shut up in there with them!

Mommy sure is ready for her to come home! She's the most beautiful and funny thing ever! She is a little warrior!

Little One

Scarlett,

You're getting so big! 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. It took you 7 weeks, but you gained a pound! You have the cutest little pink birth mark on your head. You're doing so well, your breathing issues are almost minimal. A desat here and there maybe a brady every once in a while. Nothing like you were having. Every new nurse that works with you comments on how feisty you are. You let them know when you're mad, and Mommy couldn't be prouder.

Because that feistyness is what will get you through this journey. That feistyness is what will allow you to continue through this world in one piece.

The world is a beautiful place my love. I've only been able so see one small corner of it, but that little piece is my piece of heaven. Davis Lane  is the most beautiful place on the earth. I love to watch the ripples in the pond, the pine trees swaying in the breeze. See the birds and squirrels playing, watch the flowers bloom. I love to take walks with the red clay under my feet. One day you too will play there little bit, and I hope you appreciate it as much as I do. That's where daddy will probably teach you how to fish, you may even learn how to drive there. But what you will learn is that there is always a place to go when you need life to slow down, when you just need a moment to breathe, or just a moment alone with God. You can always find God there.

The world can be ugly though little one. People will hurt you. How you deal with that hurt says everything about the content of your character. Be generous with your forgiveness. Although its hard, try not to say things and do things out of anger, when you do so you only add to the ugliness of the world. I so want for you to be beautiful in this ugly world. So many times we hear stories of innocents being harmed, say a prayer for them. We never will be able to make up for all the ugliness, but we can add beauty to our small little corner. Smile at those you pass, smile at those who hurt you. If you can be that person, the one who never harbors hate in your heart, it will do you more good than you will ever realize.

But don't let people run over you. Always stand up for yourself and demand respect. Even if its me or daddy you're having to demand respect from, that is where you start. I promise to always respect you and honor the choices you make for your life. I plan to let you make decisions for yourself early on, so long as they don't hurt you, and if they do, best believe I will step in. I want to prepare you for this world little one. I can only protect you from it for so long. I think you're better off if I prepare you for it. And I hope when you read these letters, you can look back and see that I taught you these things, and you took them to heart and used them to become the person you are now.

Be humble little one. Always know that the things you're blessed with were given to you. If it weren't for our Father God, you wouldn't have those things. If the car you have is nicer than your friends, take turns driving. If your clothes are nicer than hers, share, or ask if she wants to trade. If you see a puppy or kitty on the side of the road, bring it home, if we don't have too many we'll keep it, if we do, we'll find it a home. Always be appreciative of what you have, and always share when you can.

Try new things little one. I tried octopus once, and it wasn't half bad, I wouldn't order it for myself, but it wasn't terrible. Every chance you get try something new, broaden your horizons, but don't forget your favorites, we haven't forgotten you.

I'm not always going to be perfect and neither are you. But together we share a perfect love little one. I promise I will always be here when you need me. I may get frustrated, I may yell, but never for a single moment doubt my love for you. You are my angel, my very own superhero. You saved me when I didn't even know I needed saving. I am forever grateful you came into my life.