This ain't sunshine and roses...

If you've read all my prior blog posts, you probably have noted how positive I am in this situation. If you're looking for that here, you've got the wrong post and you proabably shouldn't read this one. I've been looking for a new topic for a post, and have been struggling with what to say. I feel everyone has come to expect this beautiful letters to Scarlett and updates on her progress. I am burnt out to put it simply.

I'm pissed. I've been here almost 11 weeks with my daughter. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled. I've enjoyed beautiful moments watching her grow that I wouldn't have otherwise seen had I been pregnant. But I'm pissed I got robbed of that experience. Everyday I log onto facebook and I see posts of these mommies with big bellies and I'm jealous. But I'm even more so pissed when I see one of them complaining about how hard it is to be pregnant and how they're going to do this or that and speed up labor. If you've posted about that recently, then yeah I'm talking about you. Every single one of you have seen my posts you've seen what I'm going through. Better yet, you've seen what my daughter is going through. You think pregnancy sucks? How about visiting your child in the hospital for 11 weeks? How about waiting agonizing days before you can hold your child? How about wondering what tomorrow holds for your child, or if they'll even live past next week? Would you rather have this experience or yours? Yeah, that's what I thought. Walk a mile in these shoes, I promise you'll cherish every back ache, foot swell, kick to the ribs etc...I didn't get that. Millions of other women never get that.

I'm pissed. I have watched families come in with their babies AFTER we did and leave ALREADY. I believe I now officially have the oldest child in this unit. I am so sick of this hospital. I'm sick of the ugly carpet with stupid designs. I'm sick of all the beach decor, that is supposed to be calming, but at this point comes across tacky. I'm sick of the wires my baby is hooked up to. I'm sick of the melody of machines beeping. I'm sick of watching my child struggle daily and always coming up short. I'm sick of staring at her empty room, all set up, ready and waiting, and wondering how much longer until she's there. I'm sick of spending my nights alone, in a bed that isn't mine, while my husband sleeps in our bed alone (better be anyway :) miles away.

I"m sick of another woman coming in and telling me how to deal with my child. I'm sick of her telling me when I can do the things a mother is supposed to do. I'm sick of being told, do it this way or that way, when I want to do it MY way.

I"m sick of people telling me they're proud of me and how strong I'm being. I know they mean well, but what do you think I'm going to do? Tuck tail and run because I'm in a hard and scary situation? This is my child, and I will be here for her until the day I die. I don't have time to break down and cry. I don't have time to be a mess. She needs me to be strong for her. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the beautiful little girl who melts my heart every time she looks at me.


Sorry for the vent. Scarlett is now 5 lbs 2 oz and cute as a button. She's off oxygen and in an open crib. Just waiting on her to decide she's ready for a bottle so she can go home. Its a lot harder than it looks.

Joan of Arc who?

Lately I've been struggling with finding a definitive topic for a new blog post. There's so much that bounces around in my brain on a daily basis, when I think of an awesome topic, it usually is gone before my brain can elaborate. I've got a draft saved of one I've been working on, but it isn't coming out the way I want, so I'm just going to do an update on Mighty Mouse.

*Side note* I just realized how bad I'm slacking. I looked back to see where I was in her story on my last post and realized I've only made one post for May. Oops.

Last I posted, Scarlett was 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. What a difference a matter of weeks make! She is now 4 pounds 9.2 ounces. She was gaining weight so fast, they lowered the calories on her formula and put her on lasiks to help her body rid of excess water. They thought the reason for the excess gain was retaining water, as she had some swelling in her legs. She's a little chunker though, with chubby cheeks.

She made it around 4 days off oxygen. but because of reflux causing desats during her feeding they put her back on. She got some pretty nasty immunizations, so they had to go up on oxygen a bit to accommodate the stress it was putting her under. She got 3 different shots for her two month vaccines. The first was three vaccines in one, and then she had another the following day. She had a rough couple days after that, you could tell she felt awful. She was hardly awake for two days, with constant desats requiring extra oxygen. She was doing so miserably, I revoked my consent for vaccination, requiring them to wait a few days before giving her the last one, which was today.

But for the good news, she has now taken two whole bottles! And I missed both!! But her wonderful nurse Sonja made sure to take a picture and tell me all about it. She said if Scarlett is okay after the vaccine today, she will be taken back off oxygen tomorrow and probably into an open crib! Yay for her, because she has some pretty gnarly poops, and I feel bad for her having to be shut up in there with them!

Mommy sure is ready for her to come home! She's the most beautiful and funny thing ever! She is a little warrior!

Little One

Scarlett,

You're getting so big! 2 pounds and 13.8 ounces. It took you 7 weeks, but you gained a pound! You have the cutest little pink birth mark on your head. You're doing so well, your breathing issues are almost minimal. A desat here and there maybe a brady every once in a while. Nothing like you were having. Every new nurse that works with you comments on how feisty you are. You let them know when you're mad, and Mommy couldn't be prouder.

Because that feistyness is what will get you through this journey. That feistyness is what will allow you to continue through this world in one piece.

The world is a beautiful place my love. I've only been able so see one small corner of it, but that little piece is my piece of heaven. Davis Lane  is the most beautiful place on the earth. I love to watch the ripples in the pond, the pine trees swaying in the breeze. See the birds and squirrels playing, watch the flowers bloom. I love to take walks with the red clay under my feet. One day you too will play there little bit, and I hope you appreciate it as much as I do. That's where daddy will probably teach you how to fish, you may even learn how to drive there. But what you will learn is that there is always a place to go when you need life to slow down, when you just need a moment to breathe, or just a moment alone with God. You can always find God there.

The world can be ugly though little one. People will hurt you. How you deal with that hurt says everything about the content of your character. Be generous with your forgiveness. Although its hard, try not to say things and do things out of anger, when you do so you only add to the ugliness of the world. I so want for you to be beautiful in this ugly world. So many times we hear stories of innocents being harmed, say a prayer for them. We never will be able to make up for all the ugliness, but we can add beauty to our small little corner. Smile at those you pass, smile at those who hurt you. If you can be that person, the one who never harbors hate in your heart, it will do you more good than you will ever realize.

But don't let people run over you. Always stand up for yourself and demand respect. Even if its me or daddy you're having to demand respect from, that is where you start. I promise to always respect you and honor the choices you make for your life. I plan to let you make decisions for yourself early on, so long as they don't hurt you, and if they do, best believe I will step in. I want to prepare you for this world little one. I can only protect you from it for so long. I think you're better off if I prepare you for it. And I hope when you read these letters, you can look back and see that I taught you these things, and you took them to heart and used them to become the person you are now.

Be humble little one. Always know that the things you're blessed with were given to you. If it weren't for our Father God, you wouldn't have those things. If the car you have is nicer than your friends, take turns driving. If your clothes are nicer than hers, share, or ask if she wants to trade. If you see a puppy or kitty on the side of the road, bring it home, if we don't have too many we'll keep it, if we do, we'll find it a home. Always be appreciative of what you have, and always share when you can.

Try new things little one. I tried octopus once, and it wasn't half bad, I wouldn't order it for myself, but it wasn't terrible. Every chance you get try something new, broaden your horizons, but don't forget your favorites, we haven't forgotten you.

I'm not always going to be perfect and neither are you. But together we share a perfect love little one. I promise I will always be here when you need me. I may get frustrated, I may yell, but never for a single moment doubt my love for you. You are my angel, my very own superhero. You saved me when I didn't even know I needed saving. I am forever grateful you came into my life.

Catching up

So I've been MIA from the blog the past couple of weeks. My laptop charger broke and I tried to find one that didn't cost me an arm and a leg. I didn't succeed. Linda Jackson and my mother dearest have been on my case about writing a new blog post so here we go.

First things first. Scarlett has made it up to 2 pounds and 10 ounces. Way to go mighty mouse! She's been putting on an average of 2 ounces a day the past week.

She is still having a lot of respiratory problems.She is constantly swinging on her oxygen saturation, and has bradycardia every so often. Today they decided to try her on the hi flow oxygen again, because the cpap is breaking down her little septum, its almost non existent. The nurse just came in and said it seems like she's doing better on hi flow, so lets hope that continues.

Next week they start checking her eyes to make sure she isn't having any ROP. The increased oxygen can cause very serious problems for her eyesight in the future, which is another reason we're really hoping to get this breathing thing on the roll.

She's beautiful.  I mean absolutely stunning. I can't believe I had a part in creating something so magnificent. God has surely blessed me with a beautiful sweet little girl.

God has also blessed me with wonderful people who are helping us through this journey. So far we've been blessed with donations from numerous people who care about us. T shirts are being sold, a carwash is being held,we are so thankful for everything that has been done for us.

We've also been blessed by four non profit foundations that helped us in our time of need. Most notably, the Brother's In Arms foundation that paid $2500 worth of our bills this month. That enables us to use most of our money this month to go towards being with Scarlett and preparing for her homecoming. If anyone is interested in donating to this wonderful foundation, they can be found at http://www.brothersinarmsfoundation.org/ Other organizations that helped us was Operation First Response, the Marsoc Foundation, and Mom 365. We are so very blessed by their donations, and they will never understand how much they have touched our family.

I long for the day I'm able to walk out those doors,put her in my car and take her home. I plan to give her the absolute best of myself. She is the absolute best of me. She will never realize how deep my love for her is, but I swear everyday to try and show her. Being her mommy is the best thing I've ever done.
Sorry the pics are a little out of order

04/15/14 1st time on Hiflow

First Easter '14

2nd Time of Hi flow 04/26/14

First Easter, Baby doll dress

Finally found bows that fit!

Cuddles with her very own Prince Charming

Sleeping good on mommy 

Well Hello There :)

What's going on around here?

I Can blow bubbles!

4/26

4/26

Hands

Dear Scarlett,

I've already told everyone I have an obsession with your feet,but I found a new obsession...your tiny little hands.

It is the sweetest thing to bring your little fingers or little palms to my lips and shower them with sweet mommy kisses. What's even sweeter is how much you seem to enjoy it. You seem to make a game out of it. And I love it. Sometimes you will stretch those little fingers towards my lips, pushing your little fingers at my lips so I can lay on the lovin'. Then sometimes you decide to ball them up so I can't get to them. And if I'm not paying attention, like now, that little hand does the jazz hands and starts waving in the air. So freaking cute..

But all this love of those tiny sweet hands got me thinking of all the things those hands will do.

One day those hands will feed you, and I no longer will. I'll probably be happy the first time you hold your bottle, so I can fold laundry. But later that night when I put you down to sleep, and you're holding that very bottle, tears will probably come to my eyes, because my baby is growing up so fast.

One day those hands are going to reach in your diaper and smear poop everywhere. And I'll be so frustrated cleaning it up, muttering ugly words under my breath so you don't hear them and repeat them. And when I get you out of the shower, and I see your sweet smile, I'll smile too, but I'll know it's time for potty training.

One day those hands are going to pull on your very own puppy's tail, or ears, or fur. You're going to be best of friends, your first best friend besides mommy. And you're going to run out in the yard to play with your puppy, and I'll be sad, because you won't be playing with me anymore.

One day those hands will be holding a book, carrying your mind to some wonderful place you once only dreamed of. And I'll smile, because you've gained my love of knowledge and the power of a good book. I'll cry happy tears, because I was once told my micro preemie may have developmental disabilities, and here she is, smart as a whip.

One day those hands will wrap around your hairbrush, singing some song to your adoring audience of one in your bedroom mirror. And I'll smile, reminiscing on my childhood doing the same thing. Then I'll cry, because you kick me out your room, embarrassed I was 'spying' on you.

One day those hands will grab the hand of your date to your first dance, as you walk down the steps to his mom's car. And I'll smile, because you look so beautiful, but I'll cry, because you look so grown up.

One day those hands will crank up your first car and put it into drive. I'll smile, because you're getting your first taste of complete freedom, and I'll cry waiting up for you, praying you make it safe.

One day those hands will take your high school diploma from your principal. And I'll smile, because you worked so hard and finally reached your goal. But I'll cry, because that's the first step towards losing my baby.

One day those hands will use a key to open your first place of your own, whether it be a dorm room or an apartment with your friends. And I'll smile, because you're so independent, but when I get home, I"ll cry because I'm so scared for my baby to be in the great big world without me.

One day those hands will put to use what ever skill you choose for your life. I'll smile, because you're living your dream, and if I cry it will be tears of joy to see your happiness doing what you love.

One day those hands will wear a ring placed on your finger by the man (or whatever makes you happy) you love, and they'll wrap around your daddy's arm as he walks you down the isle to give you to that man (or whatever makes you happy). And I'll smile and cry at the same time, because I'm losing my baby to someone who makes her happier than I could ever dream of.

One day those hands will be handed a baby of your own. I'll smile, because you finally know the most pure beautiful love in the world. I'll cry because I'm a grandma. (take that however you want)

One day those hands will hold mine as I say goodbye for the last time. I'll smile because I'm going home to meet my heavenly father. I'll cry because I know how much you will miss me and need me.

There is one thing those hands do now that they will do forever more, that will never change. And that my dear is hold my heart in their palm. I smile because I love it, I cry because I love it.

I love you,
Mommy

Who will she be?

Scarlett has got an attitude today y'all. Oh lord help me, my little bitty 1 pound 13 oz peanut has got an attitude.I'm shaking in my boots...

Really I am. What does this much attitude now mean for me later? I'm terrified. My momma always said she hoped I had a child worse than me. I think it came true. Be careful what you wish for momma cause you're the babysitter.

No, Scarlett is exactly as fiesty as she needs to be. Shes wiggling and kicking and waving her hands around. She's pulling at her CPAP mask. My child is a fighter. She is touch and she is strong. And she will be a force to be reckoned with.

And damn is she beautiful.She has the kind of beauty that takes my heart away. The kind of beauty that makes my heart hurt for all the little boys that are going to fall in love with her.

She's an angel. She's perfect. She is everything beautiful and unique and different that I want for my life.

I can't wait to see what kind of person she grows up to be. I already know she will be sweet and kind on the surface, but the kind of girl you just don't want to mess around with. I know this because that's how I will raise her.

But I want to know what kind of sense of humor she will have. Will she be clumsy like me or athletic like Ben? Will she like to read like me, or watch tv like daddy? Will school come naturally or will she have to work at it? Will she go against everything I tell her, to prove her own independence?

I have so many questions about her and who she is and will be. But I don't want to know just yet...I want my baby to grow fast enough to get out of here quickly, but slow enough that I can enjoy her. When it's time she will answer and tell me exactly who she is. Right now I'm content with Miss Scarlett, Mommy's baby asleep on my chest.

In the eye of the storm...for now..

This week is only half over and it's been the hardest one yet. I had a mental breakdown Monday night. Complete with calling Ben at 3 a.m. bawling my eyes out. I don't remember what was said, I do remember waking up with mascara stained cheeks, and crying again because I knew the night before was awful.  I remember thinking I was so undeserving of being Scarlett's mother. I'm over that, this child was made to save me, and that's what she'll do.

Her daddy came to our rescue like a knight in shining armor. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me he had a package that he was having delivered to me at the hospitality house. I got ready and headed over to the hospital only to see his car in the parking lot. And you can't miss ol' Betty. It was the sweetest thing to see him sitting in that NICU room. I just curled up in his lap and let him hold me and probably cried some more.

I'm almost back to normal now. I catch myself tearing up, but it comes with the territory. The thing that gets me the most is the anger. I'm so damn angry and I don't know why. Who am I mad at? I'm not mad at God, I know he gave me this beautiful baby and difficult journey for a reason. I'm not mad at myself, I know it isn't my fault. So who am I mad at? I guess life and the circumstances themselves, because it just isn't fair.

Scarlett got extubated again today. Which is exciting. She's doing really well on the CPAP and is being monitored closely to make sure it isn't hurting her little face again.

I'm scared to see what my child is going to be like. I'm gonna have my hands full, that's for certain. She's already so fiesty. She's pulling at the CPAP mask and kicking and screaming. That what she needs to do though, that drive and will is what ensures her survival.

I want to write her a letter about what happened Monday night, I want to tell her I'ms sorry. Because what I did that night, directly affected her the next day. I have to be better than that, for her. I can't afford to lose it like I did. She deserves so much better than what I had to give Monday night and Tuesday. And she will get it. By God I swear I will be the best damn momma to this little girl. She will grow up knowing how much I love her and will do anything for her. And I won't lose my sanity in the process.